Well its been a bit quiet without scan the man (john Eccles) while he’s been swanning it on his 18-30 (stone) holiday in Skegness . He is back now unfortunately as you all know..
Anyhow while he has been living it up I have been in consultations with his consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti and his Russian liver surgeon Yura Pudin. Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti has expressed his concern over scan the mans scan on Tuesday he explained to me that due to the interior radii of the computer axial tomography and the circumferential quantification of the differential of the pelvis and the thorax then there is a slight concern that the fat fooker wont fit into the scan machine. Anyhow, one alternative was to put him in one way scan him then put him in the other way and scan him again, however his surgeon Yura Pudin reckoned this might miss a distance of approximately 20 centimetres and due to his liver being right behind his fat gut it may not show expected reduction of the growth.
Alan has had to come to the rescue again to save the situation and with his welding knowledge and the help of two retired wagon shop welders and a former panel beater from kempsters we have been able to modify the machine with a hinged lid and a design not dissimilar to a wok. We think now that bro will fit in however if he wears his yellow sweater the fat fooker will look like a human toastie.
Moving forward to the proposed removal of, by now, reduced tumor. Mr Yura Pudin has also expressed concerns of cutting his way through masses and masses of fatty tissue and if he were to attempt this difficult task he may need the help of two whalers from Greenland and these are difficult to find due to it being whaling season in Greenland.
However Mr Yura Pudin has mentioned to me this new advanced ground breaking technology that he has successfully carried out on one occasion. He is only able to carry the said operation with someone who excessively converses through the distal portion of the large intestine…ie…talks through his arse…bro fit’s the patient requirements perfectly.
The operation involves taking a luring substance and placing iron elements into it and similar to a barium meal giving it the patient to drink,. After a short while of detestation the lure of the substance attracts the little tumour, who thinks ..hey its dinner time and leaves his safe haven of the liver to have a nibble of the luring substance. Unbeknown to the little intolerable growth Mr Yuri Pudding has got bros arsehole wide open and is sat there with one of those little plastic fishing rods with a magnet on the end ( yes you’ve got it , like the ones we had when we were kids ) ready to pick up the little magnetised tumour. it’s a delicate operation and care must be taken that it doesn’t drop off the end off the magnet and that bro keeps on talking throughout so his arse hole doesn’t close, which is why a local anaesthetic will be used.
No comments:
Post a Comment