Took bro to Christies for his chemotherapy treatment today. he is having flourosil and Irinotecan . He went in all cheery but come out looking his usal bag of shit. Anyway i wont see him for a couple of days now till he feels a little better. he will be a couch potato...fat fooker!!! took some pics at the hospital

 Bro looking quite chirpy when we arrived

 With his bottle of take home chemo fluid

 Been for a leak.....again

 ha ha...now hes suffering

dead to the world............................................................................fat lazy fooker!!!!!.....................

Well what a cock up by sisters Sue and Babs
Deciding to go for a family  meal
At an “all you can eat” Chinese  buffet…
 At 6.99  Phew!! What a deal..
So they  booked  three table at Wai Yu Mun Chings
To seat about twelve or thirteen
Girls on the right .Boys on the left,
And the fat fooker , at the one  in between..
Well they all got a plate and all licking their lips,
They all reached for a little to begin,
Except for fat  bro with a mountainous plate,
And from his three fat chins emerged a big grin.
Well he munched through the lot in the space of three mins
And has his bald cancer head started to perspire
They  had to go and get him a knife and a fork
Cos his fekin  two chopsticks set on fire
Well back for plate two, the greedy git went
And filled it again but with more,
And a button then popped from the top of his pants
And rolled like a wheel cross the floor
Well they now were all full,  except for fat bro
The fat fooker had only just started
And another button popped as he let out a burp
And  a smirk came to his face as he farted
Plate three and plate four were quickly devoured
And he was too full to get up for another
So he said “sister Sue will you get us plate Five”
“And will you get us plate six” dearest mother
Well then a china man came in an apron of white
And he stared at bro with a look of disgust
And said “look  there Sum Ting Wong here”
If you eat any more you will bust
“ But its an all you can eat for  6.99”
Exclaimed bro has he gobbled some more
But the china man said your on plate fekin seven
Yu So Dum you wont fit through the door
Well bro was aggrieved he was feeling hard done
Has his son William brought the fat git plate eight
A large prawn curry on a bed of steamed rice
Not fried cos he was watching his weight,
Well the chinaman   flipped,  and with  help from two more
Escorted bro to the door with some force
But bro was still munching with a fork in each hand
A balanced diet you might say for his  ninth course
Well they pushed and they pulled when they got to the door
On account of the fat fookers belly
“Just one last thing” said bro with some cheek
 a doggy bag for  when  im home watching  telly
With one angry push and with a great big  plop
Out of the door  bros bit fat gut did go
As Confucius say “before you do all you can eat”
Take a look at my fat fooking bro!!

Well i missed the family meal out together because i wasnt feeling too well. Our son Thomas went so when i see him later i will find out how it went. Got some pictures off facebook though...

 Here is mine and bros sister Susan and her hubby Stephen

 Mums on this one with mine and bros sister barbara and Our Tom with the glasses on and bros Son Joe

Bros son William

Joe with his girlfriend who we call sloth

Well its been ten days since bro had his new batch of chemotherapy treatment. He did have to go back to Christies on Tuesday because his temperature had gone quite high. Anyway has a precautionary measure they have given him anti biotics. They checked all they could and were happy that there were no problems with the port he has just had fitted. The side effects of this chemotherapy have not been as severe as the other he had( at least not yet anyway) and he is very thankful that there are no tingling numbness in his fingers this time. Our sister is coming up from Wolverhampton this weekend so we are off out for a meal this evening. mum will like having us all together.Come Thursday its back to Christies for the second batch of the new chemotherapy treatment.

Cheemo Charlie update continued

Anyway things are moving a bit fast with the fat fookers memorial site and I thought I better speak to his consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti yesterday and try to finalise some dates.
I have ordered 26 buckets from the £1 shop in Heywood for the bagathon at Morrisons and the vinyl lettering company is all set to run some stickers off for them when we can agree a date.. I am thinking of just putting the year and not the month as well just to move things along with them.. but you know what an awkward fooker that bro of mine is and I can see him hanging on just for the hell of it!
Morrisons have two Fridays in August and the next available date is a Saturday afternoon in September, however this clashes with the Manchester derby and I think the general consensus of opinion is we would sooner have it done and dusted before then and anyway we may have to enlist the use of some brownies to bag up because most members of the memorial committee are season ticket holders…
Just an update on the memorial fund name…there has been a few suggestions….from Carey Lorimer we have R.A.F.F.L.E. ( Remember A Fat Fooker Like Eccles)… There has been a suggestion from a bowls league he played in in Blackpool and who have been highlighted as one of the main benefactors of the fund.. Theirs is B.O.B.B.L.E ( Benefit Of Blind Bowlers In Lythmn England ) I like this it sort of poignantly makes me remember bros delivery…and from his mates from Warbys we have T.O.A.S.T.I.E ( The Obesity And Solutions Trust In England) that would be bros favourite I think.
Anyway I have finally got a few minutes on my own with Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti while bro is pigging his dinner down ( ive not involved bro at this stage because I don’t think he can help out with the timing until later on). Mr Lukatfatti however is not being as helpful as I thought he would be and up to now he can only give me a window of 3 weeks….now im not a pushy person but its not like arranging a wedding , theres not a buffet and cars and dresses and churches and reception…and people can pick a day for that…its one person…no dress.. no buffet.. no church…no cars…Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti did agree somewhat and narrowed it down to a week.. and he went on to say ” a tweak with a plug and a shot or two of morphine” and he is thinking he could actually name the day for me…… Unfortunately the day he has given us clashes with a federation game with Leeds and our Toms in a Junior Pairs at Bullough Moor…I am not going all the way to Switzerland with the fat fooker so I am just hoping he hangs on till the evening…it would be a shame to miss it…
Anyway I have got my date so I can move things on now…..
Keep you posted on the fund folks!!!

just got back from walking bro to the bookies and the market in heywood.... 
Now bearing in mind that i picked him up from mothers who lives near the albany at 8.05 am (where he was just mopping up the last few drips of egg from his full brekky with a bean soaked final piece of fried bread..fat lazy fooker..) and heywood market is a third of a mile away from there and we were only 5 mins in William Hill and ten minutes on Heywood market...oh and i forgot 5 minutes in the pound shop were the optimistic fooker bought a 5 year diary for the bowls...i bought a 2014  one and tore out october and november and December and give him that.....hee hee
Anyway its 10.30 am now.....so i am ringing Christies because you have to, if you notice any adverse side effects of the cheemo.... i spoke to his consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti and explained the latest side effect which was that the little fat fooker was unable to put his left foot more than 3 inches in front of his right one and his right foot more than 3 inches in front of his left and it just took 2 and a half hours to walk half a mile. Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti sounded a bit baffled but said that it could be a rare condition which was a similar side effect that myxomitosis gives.. where ...the upper organ of the abdomen when lipoprotein lipase activity has been overdone can decrease the corneal ability to observe the extremities of the feet resulting in a crossing of the cordular system and a spastic gait when walking....
I asked Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti if he could explain it in laymans terms so i could understand...he said the little fat fooker has ate too much and his belly is so big he cant see his shoes and hes fastened the right lace to the left and the left lace to the right and subsequently hes walking like a T**t........................................................ Just phoned up mum to check but she said it cant be that cos hes wearing her woolie booties to keep his feet warm..and hes just slipped himself into a tellytubby all-in- one to settle down to the racing.....HES JUST A FAT LAZY FOOKER I THINK!!! 

Did you see Roy pushing Hayley through the streets in her wheelchair saying goodbye to all her friends, fek that, I am not doing that with bro, and anyway, both his friends live too far apart from each other...   Course when he saw Hayley,s wheelchair it was the next on the fat fookers want list, anyway he will no doubt be telling you about the nurses hot breath on his neck, the light pants that were getting heavier and heavier, and her  occasional mutter of "fuck me"................. as she pushed the fat fooker  in a wheelchair up the corridor of Christies...anyway i wont be making any jokes about him when he gets it, I admire him for taking it all in his stride....Oh fuck!!..
Anyhow it arrived this morning we ordered it on line from Spasda.  It needed to be assembled  but there were step by step instructions…Oh fuck!! There I go again…
The fat fooker keeps saying “ I want that one”  Well if he wants pushing around  when his hair starts falling out and the fat fooker starts to look like Andy Pipkin, he can get someone else to play the part of Lou Todd……

 an ode to bro

The wheelchair arrived today for  my bro
Step by step instructions to build  as you know
Gleaming red and extremely wide
We now call the  fat twat… Ironside
But joking apart.. Its state of the art
With a built in extractor for a chemo fart
And  a 24 volt battery and a transformer pack
It should get the fat twat  to the chippy and back
It goes 0 to 60 in  thirty five mins
Pissed myself at the g force on the three of his chins
The tyre are graphite and made by Pirelli,
Lowered by a foot to miss the fat fookers belly
An anti tip system and personalised plates
But will fly backwards quite fast,  if he masterbates
An adjustable backrest,  a speedy front castor
If he wasn’t a fat fooker it might go a bit faster
So im getting it ready for when he is no longer walking
I have  e mailed for tips from a Mr Stephen Hawking
Then I will put on some L plate cos he is just a beginner
In the words of Fatman…..DINNER DINNER DINNER!!!

Cheemo Charlie update courtesy of brown road

I have just received a text of bro and it reads as follows…Hi bro “how do I sink an unsinkable turd“?
Now I know that bro with his cheemo has been constipated for a few weeks now and analyzing the words of his text I can assume the following.

1..Bro has done a cheemo  turd and the fact that it is unsinkable means that it is a rather large cheemo turd possibly an enormous cheemo turd.

2. Bro has already tried flushing the cheemo turd without success although he may have not tried flushing but merely turned around and saw the mammoth sized cheemo turd and just assumed it was unsinkable, however that would be a rash judgement so I will assume he has tried to sink the cheemo turd.

3.Assuming this then I imagine there are no plumbing issues in trying to sink the large cheemo turd.

4.I assume bro is trying to get advice off me for an alternative method of disposal of the cheemo turd , such as washing it down the sink, or putting it in the bin, or throwing it out of the window. I am not sure from the text if bro is still in the bathroom or if he has left the bathroom to google it for an answer to the problem or if he is in a panic as the toilet fills with water…

5.I cannot guarantee with 100% certainty but I imagine that bro is not actually at home at this moment but he has dropped an enormous cheemo turd in someone else’s house and he is acutely embarrassed.

6. I can however assume that bro has not dropped this enormous cheemo turd in a public toilets where it is common practice to just leave enormous turds  with complete disregard for the next person to use the toilet.

With all these facts taken into consideration I have come to the following conclusion…

Bro is in the house of an attractive lady that he has met on a Rochdale Obese dating  website and after a successful afternoon of dining on steaks and seafood and a couple of bottles of expensive wine and two fabulous deserts and finish with two large cognacs, at a local hostelry, coupled with a little footsie and hand holding as they walk back to her house. Upon arriving at her house she has romantically asked bro in for a coffee. While sitting on the couch I deduce that bro has had one of his chemo stomach cramps and excused himself and goes to use the bathroom. When there he begins to part with the most enormous cheemo turd imaginable. He then flushes the toilet but then looks back and sees the unsinkable chemo turd floating and lodged in the bowl. Panic then has set in due to the fact that his chances of getting laid this afternoon are going down the pan! (unlike the cheemo turd).  As ever, when he is in the shit (so to speak) its me he texts. Why he cant ring mum or one of our sisters or even someone from warbys  for advice I don’t know.  Anyway that’s all I can deduce  from the short text he has sent…..I would like to let you know what has happened next but I am not replying to his text till tomorrow…I will leave it open to you all to speculate the outcome in your comments…….im logging off

Well its off to Christies again today for bro, hes having his port removed and cleaned . i think he only goes to look at the nurses. mums going with him today, so she will keep an eye on him.

watched Hayley last night in the soap Coranation Street. Roy was pushing her around in a wheelchair, she is in the latter stages of dying with cancer...im not going to push fatman around in his...FATMAN,DINNER DINNER  DINNER DINNER DINNER DINNER DINNER DINNER FATMAN

Bro started his next lot of chemotherapy yesterday at Christies in Manchester. It really is a first class hospital. the nurses are fantastic. Bro gotr through the chemotherapy ok without any snags, but the scan that he had on Tuesday shown more lesions on his liver which is the news we didnt want. however the bowel tumours were being controlled to some degree which was better news..
Hes not sleeping very well due to the steroids he is taking...i made him a meat and potato pie to cheer him up.....

He said it was fantastic......

Bros been top Christies today and he has had a port fitted for more chemotherapy on Thursday...hes a bit sore but hes hungry....which is a good sign for my bro...hes had a scan today so we will see the consultant on Thursday for news of that. Different sort of chemotherapy this time so his hair will fall out apparently....

Chemo Charlie Update
Anyhow we arrived at Christies on Wednesday and bros consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti had some exciting news for bro.
You may not be aware of this but it is Christies 75th Anniversary this year and it also is the 75th anniversary of that great stage musical THE WIZARD OF OZ. Due to this coincidental occurrence of the two in the same year , the directors of the Christie hospital have decided to put on their own stage play at the Palace theatre in Manchester. The cast will all  be patients of the Christies hospital with a couple of celebrity figures and all proceeds will go to the hospital trust fund.
Mr Mustapha lukatfatti  said that bro had been considered for one of the parts. Well the fat fooker was beaming.  He is there on the bed with his drip in and he is hollowing out “ I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ!! his fekin colostomy bag nearly bust. The nurse whispered to me that the part of Dorothy was played by the person in the next cubicle, there was only a curtain separating us so I had a peep.. Only Hayley fekin Cropper.!!!! Then suddenly a loud voice rang out saying ”PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE PERSON BEHIND THE CURTAIN”…  SHUT UP BRO!!!
Anyway the nurse filled us in saying that the musical  had a medical theme and was about a girl called Spotty Dotty who worked on the melanoma ward in a hospital  in Cancers (thats in America ) . One day she fell into a scan machine and banged her head.  Suddenly she was transported to a land far away where she met  a nice fairy called Glenda  (played by Eddie Izzard)  which is why the title of the musical will be the Izzard of Hos….Glenda told Spotty Dotty she needed to go to the Haemorrhoid Shity but to watch out for the wicked Witch Hazel.  Anyway off she goes and she meets a soft lion who gives her the eye and looks up and down at her  (a cat scan you could say)….. “IF I WERE THE KING OF THE FOREST”…SHUT UP BRO!!!! ……and a bit later she meets a scarecrow (who is played by a brain surgeon at Christies who is outstanding in his field) …..“IF I ONLY HAD A BRAIN”…SHUT UP BRO!!!! …..a bit later on she meets a tin man (very tin 3 stone 4lbs played by an Irishman stage 5 cancer of the aorta valve ward 6 )…..“WHEN A MANS AN EMPTY KETTLE”…SHUT THE FEK UP BRO!!!
Spotty dotty needs to find the wizard because she is feeling sick and missing  her Aunty Emetic. She goes to the Munchkin City where the Munchkins  live, (we have made a short list for them) and listens to the polyp op guild…“WE REPRESENT THE POLYP OP GUILD“ …….BUTTON IT BRO……YOUR TOO FAT FOR A MUNCHKIN!!!!  Anyhow finally she meets the bad witch and Spotty Dotty shouts “LEUK AEM IA” and when the horrid witch turns round Spotty Dotty throws a bucket of Chemotherapy fluid over her and she melts……“IM MELTING….  IM MELTING“…SHUT UP BRO…YOU CANT BE THE WITCH, ….BECAUSE, BECAUSE, BECAUSE, BECAUSE, BECAUSE…....The witches part is taken by a lady with a brain tumour and a severe O.C.D….”
Anyhow they finally meet the great and powerful IZZARD OF HOS and he grants them all their wishes.
Bros consultant then comes in with bros costume for the rehearsal on Friday night…I see that it is furry….is it the lion??? Its dark coloured…is it the witch??? …a moustache……mayor of the munchkin city???? ….YOU’VE GUESSED IT….YOU’VE PUT TO AND TO TOGETHER…..TOTO……FAT FOOKER……BARK BARK!!  

Bro was back at Christies this week after finishing his radiotherapy treatment at the end of December.His blood tests have shown that his tumour markers have risen from 31 up to 81 which doesnt sound too good to us.we have to take him back on Tuesday for a port to be fitted into his chest and cheemotherapy will begin again. the consultant knows that bro didnt want any more cheemotherapy but told us that he will speedily get very ill from liver failure if they do not give him the treatment.......So its been a shit week....but gotta keep smiling so im in the process of writing the next Chemo Charlie update for the little fat fooker...keep you posted

Bros off too watch his beloved Manchester City tomorrow playing another local team of ours Blackburn Rovers. im not a Man City fan, i follow the red part of manchester, Manchester United. but i hope Man City win because him and his son william are watching the game tomorrow, and he haters it if they lose.

The lastime they went to watch City they were wined and dined there and got a greatpicture of the two of them with Patrick Vierra, who was a city legend a few years ago.

I got him this nodding dog for christmas

Bros just had a photoshoot with his children.........they are all better looking than him , i think they must have been adopted

Poor bro he cant go out anywhere because he has the shits...again...ive took him some good films to watch so he doesnt get fed up...if anyone has anymore he would appreciate them. these are the ones hes watched up to now..
A FISTULA FULL OF DOLLARS ……. BEVERLEY HLLS PLOP
AFFAIR OF THE FART………………MONSTERS STINK
CROCODILE DUNGDEE …………..FOREST DUMP
THE SKIDMARK OF ZORRO………..THE EXORSHITST
THE INCREDIBLE STINKING MAN…..ANGELAS ASSES
ASSABLANCA……………………CROCODILE DUNGDEE
DIARREAH OF ANNE FRANK……………….FLUSH HOUR
LOCK STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BOWELS
TURDMAN OF ALKATRAZ …….PLOPEYE
ACCIDENTAL TURDIST…
PAINS, STAINS AND GOTTA MOVE BOWELS
RESEVOIR LOGS……SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMA
STEPHEN KINGS “SHIT”

 

Well today has been a sad day because me and bro have had to attend a funeral of a dear member of our family. Now bro hasn’t been going out much due to the incontinence problem that he has been having due to his bowel cancer which causes him to shit himself when he farts and he keeps pissing himself all the time. Surprisingly he allowed me to take him to church (he has almost forgive me for buying him an electric blanket for Christmas) well it was the thought that counts, I was going to  put some “tenners” in his card… and I had thought the bottle of Pinot More that I had also got him might have helped a little..
On a more favourable note, he has, with   the help of various cancer groups and some prescription drugs,  been able to get himself into a routine where has has a pee and a shit twice a day at 7 am and again at 10.30pm….unfortunately he doesn’t get up till 7.30am and he goes to bed at 10pm….anyway I digress ..back to church
Me and Bro were unable to sit next to each other in church because of all the people there but I did manage to sit behind him in the next row of seats with our friends Bob and Sue.
Anyway he had been and had a shit in the crematorium toilets just before we came into the chapel, so I did think at least he will be able to hold himself now till after the service…how wrong was I…
We were halfway through  the Lords prayer when bro turns around to me and says “Bro I think im going to fart”  I told him not to panic and to cough loudly at the same time that he farts  and when the smell arrives look at Bob next  to me as though it is him done it.  “ I cant cough” bro went on to add “ I will piss myself too if I cough”  Now I am no prude I actually think that farting is a kind of small miracle in itself , I mean can you imagine whistling through a mouthful of shit. .well that is mostly what your sphincter is blowing through, alongside a lot more obstacles without incident…well mostly without incident…Suddenly bro cant hold it any longer and lets out the hugest of rectum roars. Now I am  not 100% sure  but I think I remember a quote from someone when I was a choirboy at St Johns in Heywood that farting in church was actually illegal …and I quote “A person is guilty of disturbance or disruption at a religious service, funeral,  burial or memorial  service when he/she makes unreasonable noise to cause a disturbance while at a religious service funeral, burial or memorial service  or within one hundred feet thereof with intent to cause annoyance or alarm and recklessly causing a disturbance thereof….. therefore a fart in church could find you guilty of an offence!! Not only that but the awful smell of Turkey, brussel sprouts and cabbage and potatoes (that had been bubbling in a corner of his rectum for more than a week) that filled the air made me think that bro had actually shit himself too.
It was then that in a  very tactful manner it was time for the vicar  to read a verse from the bible…and I think his choice was a very theological one……..
ECONOMICCLASSIANS chapter 34 verse 13..“And though a foul wind bloweth a stench so unholy it singes the hair and leaves no air clean , the Lord ever so merciful grants His Grace unto that winds bearer. And lo, even though that wind sickens the heart and mind of all corners of mankind, the bearer can be held blameless, for such  is the Will of the Lord.
The vicar went on to add that he who hath no sin cast the first stone and called on this mans brothers to help this man…he then shuffled up the steps to light another few incence sticks.
Now from a religious point of view I think the term “this man brothers ” was meant to mean one and all of the congregation and not just his actual brother, I  responding with a famous quote “ CONFUCIUS SAYS ., HE WHO FARTS IN CHURCH SITS IN OWN PEW” and I hurriedly left the church…

I did manage to take a pic as I was going…..

Always remember bro as we enter into a new year that there is someone out there thinking of you every minute of the day, you have become such an important person in their life this past year, your strength has shown this person that with a strong will anything can be overcome, this person is very proud of your courage in the face of adversity and remember ..out of difficulties grow miracles. The spirit that you have shown has overwhelmed this person , the setbacks you’ve taken on the chin and bounced back has put this person in awe of you. When this person looks at you they see a strong family figure, a man full of compassion and love for others in spite of his own tribulations. They see a man who smiles when there is little to smile about, they see someone who laughs when there is little to laugh about, they see a man who loves others more than himself. This person knows that sometimes the most beautiful people are those that have suffered, known sadness, struggled in the depths of despair, but through this have found a way to appreciate, have an understanding of life that fills them  with compassion and gentleness and a deep loving concern for others. Beautiful people don’t just happen! This person loves you..
Its not me though….I think you’re a twat!!