My little brother was diagnosed with bowel and secondary liver cancer in March 2013. This blog tells the story of our fight to beat it with humour and family and friends.
Thursday 27 February 2014
Friday 21 February 2014
Bros going to our sister barbara,s for a few days. hes had a couple of rough days with the side effects of his latest batch of chemotherapy treatment. Babs will wait on him hand and foot for 3 days and then he will be back up north bothering me again...fat fooker!! Im taking him to Christies on Thursday for his next batch of Chemotherapy. Anyhow im going to enjoy the peace fopr the next three days...oh and turn my mobile off so he cant pester me....ps i hope he has a nice break but dont tell him or he will think im going soft. Here is a pic of him with the kids...
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Monday 17 February 2014
Saturday 15 February 2014
Cheemo Charlie update.
For those of you that saw the last update bro had decided on either a burial at sea or to be stuffed by a taxidermist upon his demise. We looked at the burial at sea option last week but that proved a washout so this week I have been looking at the option of getting the fat fooker stuffed.
Bro told me that he had fancied the idea of getting stuffed upon his death after he had taken young William to the Build A Bear workshop at the Rock in Bury at Christmas for a surprise present.
Anyhow I have been looking this week at taxidermist but it is actually illegal to stuff a human, however not to be deterred I have scoured the web and have found a Dillon Jones in Merthyr Tidfil who has found a loophole in the law and is able to grant bros wishes. Me and Bro went to see him this morning to chat things through. When we got to this little village in the hills we could find Dillon’s shop but he wasn’t there so we went to the pub in the tiny village and asked the barman if he knew where we could find the taxidermist. “What’s a taxidermist” he asked. “Someone who stuffs animals” I replied. He hollows out “Does anyone here stuff animals”. 28 hands went up. “No mounts them” I said. “Does anyone here mount animals“. 28 hands went up. “IS ANY ONE HERE A TAXIDERMIST “ I shouted, and a little old man came and introduced himself as Dillon. He took us to his shop and showed us his accreditations and certificates to show he was a member of the Federal Academy Of Taxidermists and Bodily Reincarnation Organisation ( F.A.T.B.R.O.) That reassured us we were in good hands then Dillon went on to explain how he got round the legal aspect of stuffing people. He went on to tell us that he does not actually stuff people. He removes all the internal organs and suchlike, “Are you donating your organs when you die”? he asked bro, “ I haven’t any” said bro “but I am leaving my tambourine to our Sue and my set of maracas to our Babs“….thick fooker!! Anyhow after this Dillon explained instead of stuffing by the traditional methods with hay and paper mache , we fill the body with helium instead. This has many advantages. ..you don’t need to move it to sweep up because his head will be touching the ceiling….the anal passage will contain the air valve and with a dyson attached to his arse you can vacuum suck him to almost nothing , which means you can take him in your case on holiday, a quick inflate with your helium gas pack and you have a ready made lilo for the pool. If you want to take him on days out with the family you will have to master the art of balloon animals if you want to keep him inflated in the car, you will have to use similar techniques as those used when making a balloon poodle.
You can also have great fun with him when you have a party like on New Year Eve because you can let people suck his arse and they don’t half talk funny.
Obviously he will be in the family for future generations so there are certain features like his penis we will have to remove so as not to cause embarrassment to future generations of fat fookers. This removal would be carried by my lovely assistant. He then introduced us to his assistant a young lady named Isabell Endslicer, she went on to say that she would use the skin and make me a nice wallet out of it, going on to add, that if I gave it a few rubs it would change into a briefcase, I declined the offer.
Is there any particular pose that you would like your bro to be in he asked. I went on to explain that he would like his two arms raised in the air and a replica Waterloo bowls trophy at his feet. “No problem” said Dillon. He went on to add that the price included two further sets of clothes and he said that because of his raised two arms his suggestion would be a pair of trunks so he could replicate a fat Tom Daley, which could be fun on BBQ days when you had the pool out, and perhaps a superman outfit which would fly round the room if you opened the arse valve, that would be fun for the kids. The price also include the fitting of a voice recorder which would say certain phrases when you pressed the button on his navel. He asked me what phrases I would like…“Large Big Mac and Fries, Onion Rings, Munchy Mc Flurry and a diet coke” I said…..and “ did I tell you I won the Waterloo” They are the two he phrases he says most I said…. Price £3500 + fat…..Bargain……and the fat fooker can come to the funeral wake and he wont eat all the buffet for once!!!
For those of you that saw the last update bro had decided on either a burial at sea or to be stuffed by a taxidermist upon his demise. We looked at the burial at sea option last week but that proved a washout so this week I have been looking at the option of getting the fat fooker stuffed.
Bro told me that he had fancied the idea of getting stuffed upon his death after he had taken young William to the Build A Bear workshop at the Rock in Bury at Christmas for a surprise present.
Anyhow I have been looking this week at taxidermist but it is actually illegal to stuff a human, however not to be deterred I have scoured the web and have found a Dillon Jones in Merthyr Tidfil who has found a loophole in the law and is able to grant bros wishes. Me and Bro went to see him this morning to chat things through. When we got to this little village in the hills we could find Dillon’s shop but he wasn’t there so we went to the pub in the tiny village and asked the barman if he knew where we could find the taxidermist. “What’s a taxidermist” he asked. “Someone who stuffs animals” I replied. He hollows out “Does anyone here stuff animals”. 28 hands went up. “No mounts them” I said. “Does anyone here mount animals“. 28 hands went up. “IS ANY ONE HERE A TAXIDERMIST “ I shouted, and a little old man came and introduced himself as Dillon. He took us to his shop and showed us his accreditations and certificates to show he was a member of the Federal Academy Of Taxidermists and Bodily Reincarnation Organisation ( F.A.T.B.R.O.) That reassured us we were in good hands then Dillon went on to explain how he got round the legal aspect of stuffing people. He went on to tell us that he does not actually stuff people. He removes all the internal organs and suchlike, “Are you donating your organs when you die”? he asked bro, “ I haven’t any” said bro “but I am leaving my tambourine to our Sue and my set of maracas to our Babs“….thick fooker!! Anyhow after this Dillon explained instead of stuffing by the traditional methods with hay and paper mache , we fill the body with helium instead. This has many advantages. ..you don’t need to move it to sweep up because his head will be touching the ceiling….the anal passage will contain the air valve and with a dyson attached to his arse you can vacuum suck him to almost nothing , which means you can take him in your case on holiday, a quick inflate with your helium gas pack and you have a ready made lilo for the pool. If you want to take him on days out with the family you will have to master the art of balloon animals if you want to keep him inflated in the car, you will have to use similar techniques as those used when making a balloon poodle.
You can also have great fun with him when you have a party like on New Year Eve because you can let people suck his arse and they don’t half talk funny.
Obviously he will be in the family for future generations so there are certain features like his penis we will have to remove so as not to cause embarrassment to future generations of fat fookers. This removal would be carried by my lovely assistant. He then introduced us to his assistant a young lady named Isabell Endslicer, she went on to say that she would use the skin and make me a nice wallet out of it, going on to add, that if I gave it a few rubs it would change into a briefcase, I declined the offer.
Is there any particular pose that you would like your bro to be in he asked. I went on to explain that he would like his two arms raised in the air and a replica Waterloo bowls trophy at his feet. “No problem” said Dillon. He went on to add that the price included two further sets of clothes and he said that because of his raised two arms his suggestion would be a pair of trunks so he could replicate a fat Tom Daley, which could be fun on BBQ days when you had the pool out, and perhaps a superman outfit which would fly round the room if you opened the arse valve, that would be fun for the kids. The price also include the fitting of a voice recorder which would say certain phrases when you pressed the button on his navel. He asked me what phrases I would like…“Large Big Mac and Fries, Onion Rings, Munchy Mc Flurry and a diet coke” I said…..and “ did I tell you I won the Waterloo” They are the two he phrases he says most I said…. Price £3500 + fat…..Bargain……and the fat fooker can come to the funeral wake and he wont eat all the buffet for once!!!
Friday 14 February 2014
Well bro has had another batch of chemotherapy treatment yesterday. Barbara our sister took him to Christies this time.....Its Friday evening and bro hasnt slept since wednesday night due to the steroids he is taking.......Its his birthday on Monday but unfortunately he is celebrating by having a camera up his backside at Christies...they think the tumors on his bowels may be making it difficult for his poop to plop...ha ha.....we are going round to his house tomorrow for a cards evening and all the family is going so that can be his birthday bash......i lashed out 3.00p on a card.....i thought id push the boat out in case it was his last.....lol
Saturday 8 February 2014
Chemo Charlie update
Its been a bit of a bad week for bro this week after his latest chemo but towards the end of the week he was feeling a bit better. I went to see him and when we were chatting we got on to the subject of funerals and what we both would want for ours. I was torn a little between a cremation and a burial, Bro was torn between two also….wait for it…are you ready….A fekin burial at sea….and a wish to be stuffed by a taxidermist and placed in a loved ones house…and he wasn’t joking either.
He didn’t want just his ashes sprinkling at sea, he was going the whole hog and wanted to be slid off a boat in all his splendour. And it wasn’t the actual sea he was thinking about, he had picked the place out already, the fekin Manchester to Leeds canal, a spot just outside Walsden. Apparently it was a place he used to stop at on his way home from Warbutons Bakery at Burnley, were he would sit on the bank of the canal and muse over the days Thick and Thin sliced production rates and digest articles from the Masterbakers weekly. It may have not been the most idyllic spot along the waterway and some nifty footwork was needed to avoid several dog deposits along the path, he had followed the worn out sign for Jetty, without his glasses he had thought is said Jelly…(fat fooker) in addition to this what made Fat boy chose this spot was the fact that there was a Georgie Porgies burger van parked on the lay-by, where he could get himself double cheeseburger and chips to put him on for the long drive to Smithy Bridge where his tea awaited him. Any way we phoned the waterways commission and we got a meeting to discuss his request. We had to go to the offices of T.W.A.T, the Todmorden Waterway Action Trust. The lady who was seeing us was called Ann Corr. She told us it was a request that she hadn’t dealt with before but she had looked into it and there were some obstacles in the way of our request. Firstly the water was only 3 ft deep in the chosen spot and she looked at fatboy and said even with his concrete boots and breezeblock collar, because of the size of his belly, she was sure his arse would pop out of the water and be the subject of humour from the kids of Walden infant school, and as well as that the older kids would go out and rub off the C’s of all the canal signs and they would all read ANAL and Walsden Anal society wouldn’t be happy at all. Turning the body over and it would just look like a bald snorkler and people would keep diving in because he wasn’t moving. As well as this there are some large undercurrents in the canal when Sowerby Bridge sluice gates are open and even attired in concrete its not out of the question that you could be washed down stream and you wouldn’t want to see your departed loved one sat in 3 feet of murky littered water in a shopping trolley at the Deeplish stretch.
She turned to me and said “your brother obviously has a background of a nautical type, which seas has sailed the most, is it the North sea…the Irish sea, or maybe further away like the Caspian sea?? No its quite near I said he mostly has frequented the K.F.C. She went on to say “but he must have a favourite boat”? “Yes” I replied “A gravy boat” “What about submarines she said” “A 12 inch sub is the only sub he has seen” I said. It didn’t look like bros wish was going to be granted here so its off to the taxidermist we go this afternoon……Bro keeps saying I promised id get him some Indian food while we was here…..I said we would take in some barges….Knob!!
Its been a bit of a bad week for bro this week after his latest chemo but towards the end of the week he was feeling a bit better. I went to see him and when we were chatting we got on to the subject of funerals and what we both would want for ours. I was torn a little between a cremation and a burial, Bro was torn between two also….wait for it…are you ready….A fekin burial at sea….and a wish to be stuffed by a taxidermist and placed in a loved ones house…and he wasn’t joking either.
He didn’t want just his ashes sprinkling at sea, he was going the whole hog and wanted to be slid off a boat in all his splendour. And it wasn’t the actual sea he was thinking about, he had picked the place out already, the fekin Manchester to Leeds canal, a spot just outside Walsden. Apparently it was a place he used to stop at on his way home from Warbutons Bakery at Burnley, were he would sit on the bank of the canal and muse over the days Thick and Thin sliced production rates and digest articles from the Masterbakers weekly. It may have not been the most idyllic spot along the waterway and some nifty footwork was needed to avoid several dog deposits along the path, he had followed the worn out sign for Jetty, without his glasses he had thought is said Jelly…(fat fooker) in addition to this what made Fat boy chose this spot was the fact that there was a Georgie Porgies burger van parked on the lay-by, where he could get himself double cheeseburger and chips to put him on for the long drive to Smithy Bridge where his tea awaited him. Any way we phoned the waterways commission and we got a meeting to discuss his request. We had to go to the offices of T.W.A.T, the Todmorden Waterway Action Trust. The lady who was seeing us was called Ann Corr. She told us it was a request that she hadn’t dealt with before but she had looked into it and there were some obstacles in the way of our request. Firstly the water was only 3 ft deep in the chosen spot and she looked at fatboy and said even with his concrete boots and breezeblock collar, because of the size of his belly, she was sure his arse would pop out of the water and be the subject of humour from the kids of Walden infant school, and as well as that the older kids would go out and rub off the C’s of all the canal signs and they would all read ANAL and Walsden Anal society wouldn’t be happy at all. Turning the body over and it would just look like a bald snorkler and people would keep diving in because he wasn’t moving. As well as this there are some large undercurrents in the canal when Sowerby Bridge sluice gates are open and even attired in concrete its not out of the question that you could be washed down stream and you wouldn’t want to see your departed loved one sat in 3 feet of murky littered water in a shopping trolley at the Deeplish stretch.
She turned to me and said “your brother obviously has a background of a nautical type, which seas has sailed the most, is it the North sea…the Irish sea, or maybe further away like the Caspian sea?? No its quite near I said he mostly has frequented the K.F.C. She went on to say “but he must have a favourite boat”? “Yes” I replied “A gravy boat” “What about submarines she said” “A 12 inch sub is the only sub he has seen” I said. It didn’t look like bros wish was going to be granted here so its off to the taxidermist we go this afternoon……Bro keeps saying I promised id get him some Indian food while we was here…..I said we would take in some barges….Knob!!
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