Bro went for his blood tests today at Christies and he is always a little narky when he is having them done because they can never get any out of the fat fooker. Anyhow he phoned to request that our good friends the two nurses Lena Overmee, Ann Wigglum would be there to take the blood.
Anyhow we gets there and we were in ward 209 which is the nearest one to the morgue. But how nice it was done up with a huge pumpkin carved out into hannibal the cannibal and cobwebs and bats hanging from the ceiling…So nice when people make an effort…There was a collection box for the childrens leukaemia ward as you went through the door, and as usual I put my customary £20 note in…bro managed 10pence a trolley token and a washer from a toilet seat repair in 2008...tight fat fooker..
There were sweets in a cauldron next to the collection box and I took one and bro took about 20 of those sweety fang things the fat git!!
They got him sat in the chair and Lena Overmee came to give him his injection for his bloods…It usually takes 4 or 5 goes but Lena got it first time and with such accuracy that blood splattered all over the fat fookers white shirt, it looked like he was wearing a red cravet, it was spraying everywhere but quick thinking me grabbed a black bin liner from the hospital porter and quick as a flash had it over bros head...he was moaning like mad , Mum had told me hed been narky all week and asked me to be nice to him…“suck a sweet fat boy”I said. Lol!! Lena was struggling with the blood and all these ill people in wheelchairs and all these with no hair and all pale and ashen were all gawping at us when Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti came and said you cant be doing that and he sent Ann Wigglum for some bandages for bro…
It was at this point that things took a turn for the worst…bros surgeon, Yura Pudding came in looking daggers at bros consultant Mustapha Lukatfatti. From all accounts Mustapha had been asking Yura to work Sarurdays carrying out double mastectomy operations, but while Yura was getting a breast with his knife….Mustapha was getting abreast of Yuras wife…he pulled out a machette and started to chase Mustapha around the ward…Ann came back with a raker of bandages and one end got fastened against Mustaphas foot and as he ran the bandages were wrapping round him more….Yura tripped and his head went head first into the Hannibal pumpkin and he is running around wildly swinging this machete and there are people in wheelchairs having their arms lopped off…I grabbed Lena and stuffed her into a scan machine and climbed in after her…bro hid in this small wardrobe that is there for you to hang your clothes….its total mayhem and to cap it all some guy down the corridor who had half his brain removed because of a brain tumour was singing Michael Jacksons Thriller at the top of his voice… I decided the police needed to be got but didn’t want to give our hiding place up so I text them…THAT NUMBER IS NOT RECOGNISEABLE, NOT ENOUGH DIGITS ….999 ???? Not recognisable not enough digets?? I tried again 999999999999...NUMBER NOT RECOGNISABLE..You cant text the coppers BOLLOCKS!!! What to do now?? Mmmm So I text bro and said “Hi Bro…Ring the Police” He opened the door of the wardrobe and put his thumb up (he couldn’t talk he was eating another fang). Everytime Hannibal the pumpkin run past, the fleeing Mustapha had more bandages that were wrapping around him, it was making Lena Overmee slightly uneasy and she was going to scream, I couldn’t put my hand over her mouth because we were top to tail…Only one thing for it!! That’s shut her up. Bro had phoned the police but while trying to get his mobile back in his pocket he had jammed himself in the wardrobe and he was wobbling back and forward when finally the fat fooker made the wardrobe fall over…Total chaos…Brain dead Charlie down the corridor was now into the Monster Mash …Lena was quiet now except for a few slurpy sounds. It was then that I heard sirens.. THANK GOD FOR THAT!!
The door of the ward opened and 5 policemen appeared with guns and taysers…I looked around and the wardrobe door opened and up popped that fat fooker of a bro of mine with a black bin liner a blood red tie jelly fangs screaming at the top of his voice….people were walking down the corridors with ashen faces and arms hanging off…a pumpkin Hannibal Lector was chasing a mummy around the ward and all this to Brain Dead Charlies THRILLER!!. The policeman looked around…all put £20 each in the collection box…clapped…laughed…and fooked off!!! Me and Lena decided to make a sharp exit and climbed out of the scan machine…she looked like shed been slimed by something out of the Ghostbusters….I was going to go back tomorrow with a jigsaw to get bro out of the wardrobe….but after thinking about it…if I can remove him without damaged to the box…then a couple of brass handles from wilkinsons might sort the funeral…he did look well in it!!! Who needs the co-op!!
Happy Halloween!!
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