coming soon to the end of 2013 and i must tell you the halloween story of our day at Christies this will put me and bro up to date for the year in our blog  which we hurriedly put together towards the end of the year. we arnt very good bloggers. but we want to try to help other cancer sufferers laugh a little in 2014....Cheemo Charlie Update.

Bro went for his blood tests today at Christies and he is always a little narky when he is having them done because they can never get any out of the fat fooker. Anyhow he phoned to request that our good friends the two nurses Lena Overmee, Ann Wigglum would be there to take the blood.
Anyhow we gets there and we were in ward 209 which is the nearest one to the morgue. But how nice it was done up with a huge pumpkin carved out into hannibal the cannibal and cobwebs and bats hanging from the ceiling…So nice when people make an effort…There was a collection box for the childrens leukaemia ward as you went through the door, and as usual I put my customary £20 note in…bro managed  10pence a trolley token and a washer from a toilet seat repair in 2008...tight fat fooker..
There were sweets in a cauldron next to the collection box and I took one and bro took about 20 of those sweety fang things the fat git!!
They got him sat in the chair and Lena Overmee came to give him his injection for his bloods…It usually takes 4 or 5 goes but Lena got it first time and with such accuracy that blood splattered all over the fat fookers white shirt, it looked like he was wearing a red cravet, it was spraying everywhere but quick thinking me grabbed a black bin liner from the hospital porter and quick as a flash had it over bros head...he was moaning like mad , Mum had told me hed been narky all week and asked me to be nice to him…“suck a sweet fat boy”I said. Lol!!  Lena was struggling with the blood and all these ill people in wheelchairs and all these with no hair and all pale and ashen were all gawping at us when Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti came and said you cant be doing that and he sent Ann Wigglum for some bandages for bro…
It was at this point that things took a turn for the worst…bros surgeon, Yura Pudding came in looking daggers at bros consultant Mustapha Lukatfatti. From all accounts Mustapha had been asking Yura to work Sarurdays carrying out double mastectomy operations, but while Yura was getting a breast with his knife….Mustapha was getting abreast of Yuras wife…he pulled out a machette and started to chase Mustapha around the ward…Ann came back with a raker of bandages and one end got fastened against Mustaphas foot and as he ran the bandages were wrapping round him more….Yura tripped and his head went head first into the Hannibal pumpkin and he is running around wildly swinging this machete and there are people in wheelchairs having their arms lopped off…I grabbed Lena and stuffed her into a scan machine and climbed in after her…bro hid in this small wardrobe that is there for you to hang your clothes….its total mayhem and to cap it all some guy down the corridor who had half his brain removed because of a brain tumour was singing Michael Jacksons Thriller at the top of his voice… I decided the police needed to be got but didn’t want to give our hiding place up so I text them…THAT NUMBER IS NOT RECOGNISEABLE, NOT ENOUGH DIGITS ….999 ???? Not recognisable not enough digets?? I tried again  999999999999...NUMBER NOT RECOGNISABLE..You cant text the coppers BOLLOCKS!!! What to do now?? Mmmm So I text bro and said “Hi Bro…Ring the Police” He opened the door of the wardrobe and put his thumb up (he couldn’t talk he was eating another fang). Everytime Hannibal the pumpkin run past, the fleeing Mustapha had more bandages that were wrapping around him, it was making Lena Overmee slightly uneasy and she was going to scream, I couldn’t put my hand over her mouth because we were top to tail…Only one thing for it!! That’s shut her up. Bro had phoned the police but while trying to get his mobile back in his pocket he had jammed himself in the wardrobe and he was wobbling back and forward when finally the fat fooker made the wardrobe fall over…Total chaos…Brain dead Charlie down the corridor was now into the Monster Mash …Lena was quiet now except for a few slurpy sounds. It was then that I heard sirens.. THANK GOD FOR THAT!!
The door of the ward opened and 5 policemen appeared with guns and taysers…I looked around and the wardrobe door opened and up popped that fat fooker of a bro of mine with a black bin liner a blood red tie jelly fangs screaming at the top of his voice….people were walking down the corridors with ashen faces and arms hanging off…a pumpkin Hannibal Lector was chasing a mummy around the ward and all this to Brain Dead Charlies THRILLER!!. The policeman looked around…all put £20 each in the collection box…clapped…laughed…and fooked off!!!  Me and Lena decided to make a sharp exit and climbed out of the scan machine…she looked like shed been slimed by something out of the Ghostbusters….I was going to go back tomorrow with a jigsaw to get bro out of the wardrobe….but after thinking about it…if I can remove him without damaged to the box…then a couple of brass handles from wilkinsons might sort the funeral…he did look well in it!!! Who needs the co-op!!
Happy Halloween!!

itsmy birthday tomorrow...i think bro is having a bit of a shit time at the moment  hes tired all the time and i think xmas has told on him emotionally...i wish i could cheer him up...hug him and make him feel better but i think he would think i was being a little soft,,,,we have a laugh as you know but sometimes i just want to give him a love,..im feeling his pain at the at this moment in time....im going round with my sister on new years eve and i know we will have a laugh and enjoy the evening but i wish i could do more.....i need to recharge my batteries and keep positive ...i need to make him laugh and smile for another year....thats going to be my new years resolution......

FATMAN AND BOBBIN

So FATMANS got to have radiotherapy up his arse hole again now. Hope it goes better than last time. Well I really have only myself to blame for that. …two days before his last batch they told us at Christies that he would have to get a prescription from the pharmacy for a good anal clean out prior to the radiotherapy. Anyhow I was left to pick it up for him as he had other things on his mind…Dinner, Dinner, Dinner ,Dinner, Dinner ,Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, FATMAN”!!!  So I goes to get it while he feeds his belly in the canteen. It’s a bottle of purply liquid and I don’t know why ( probably because I, had been constipated for a week and I had  been so bloated and nauseas with it ) I drank  the whole bottle!!
I went to the vend machine and got some smarties and put 8 yellow ones in the bottle. I gave them FATMAN and told him to take four a day for the next two days…explaining that they were a new medical advancement and worked like a chemical toilet and there was no need therefore to have a shit!!
The day of the radiotherapy came around and me and FATMAN arrived half an hour late because I had to stop at Mcdonalds for another  shit and FATMAN got a big mac meal. We were taken into this room and FATMAN was prepared for the therapy, this involved putting him in grey tights because of risk of deep vein thrombosis. And a black  lead gown and a black mask to prevent damage from the high energy rays. He did really now look like Dinner, Dinner, Dinner ,Dinner, Dinner ,Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, FATMAN”!!!
A nurse came in to numb  the area of his arse with a spray  ready for an injection. We will call him
MR FREEZE.  A lady nurse then came in the room to inject him, she was a bit pigeon toed and walked funny and was dressed in a black and white nurse outfit  it said on her badge nurse Guin. I politely said “Morning nurse Guin “ “Morning , you can call me Penny, or Pen for short like my friends do” Mmmm PEN GUIN ??? I thought.
The radio therapy guy came in then he was a right JOKER kept saying “ I should be on time and a turd for this and a day in loo!! Ha Ha. The lady who did the catscan accompanied him…CATWOMAN. Anyhow after his injection they put FATMANS legs up onto these stirrup stands but the fat fookers legs kept wobbling off so they had to tie belts on to keep them on…he looked a right twat!! Suddenly a noise came from FATMANS arse…BRRRRRHHHHAAAAAPPPP!!!. Holy  Eggypoos !!!What a stink. CATWOMAN phones for someone to bring  a fan and MR FREEZE  goes to put some more gloves on because FATMAN  has followed through and his others, he  has  GOTHAM CHITTY. The guy in the next cubicle has covered his face with a cardboard sick bowl to stop the smell but pushed two holes for his eyes so he can see what is going on….he looks like CLAYMAN. A Pakistani nurse called RAS AL GUHL brings in the biggest fan I have ever seen, the blades must be thirty inches long. The JOKER says “are you friend or enema.” Ha ha.!! FATMAN  suddenly lets off an array of huge farts ..fffffrrraaaapppp!!! Rrrrrrriiiiiiippp!! Bbbbbrrrrraaaaauuuuppp!! Just as RAS AL GUHL plugs the wind turbine fan on FATMAN starts shitting gravy from his arse.. theres crap blowing all over the place.  Holy flyingturds !!!  The lady in the cubicle opposite has got it all over one side of her face and looks like TWO FACE. PENGUIN  suddenly slips in the shit and knocks the fan over and the guard falls off and its spinning its way over to FATMAN and about to slice him from arsehole to breakfast time.. and he is tied to the chair and cant get away. Holy shitslitters!!!  FATMAN what are we going to do…All  FATMANS enemas look on laughing………tune in next Saturday to see if the shit has hit the fan and FATMAN is going to meet his end…..Dinner, Dinner, Dinner ,Dinner, Dinner ,Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, FATMAN”!!!

Bro was supposed to come to my daughters with Christine and myself for boxing day dinner but i think he was a bit tired from Christmas day. he had a great time with his children but i think he may have over indulged in Christmas spirit......It will soon be a new year and i hope we hahve a better one than 2013, it seemed that with every one bit of good news there were 2 bits of bad news. first bros tumours were shrinking with his chemotherapy treatment and they were not and then we had the news the cancer had spread to his liver. then we were told that it was impossible to operate. its been a rough old ride for Bro and i am amazed how well he has put up with it and how he has kept smiling through it all. he has massive support from family and friends who all will be there to lend support in 2014..We have kept a lot of the bad news from mum and dad because there is nothing more they can do than what they are doing so it seems a bit pointless worrying them more than we have to. i think i may be going round to bros on New years Eve for a drink and to wave bye bye to a shit year...and welcome in what we hope will be a better one..

Twas the night before Christmas and all through bros flat.
Not a creature was stirring, only him the fat twat.
His colostomy bag was hung by the chimney, quite shocking
In the hope Santa would fill it as well as his stocking
His kids had stayed over, and Charles was well pissed,
He was lay on the floor cos  the bed he had missed
And William  was eating sugar plums, although in his head.,
There was all sorts of creaks from the legs of his bed,
When out on the street there arose a great clatter,
Bro shut the fridge door to see what was the matter
He ran to the door and gazed into the road
It was the takeaway man and his order  he bestowed
The look on bros face as his tongue licked his lips
And he thought for a moment…had he ordered his chips??
Then all of a sudden what should just appear
Bethany and Joe with a crate full of beer
They had a little fat driver the name of  Kabir
And I knew at once…a taxi was here..
More rapid than eagles…it must have been Kings
With a delivery for bro…hot and spicy chicken wings
Now spare ribs.! Now pork balls!. Now wantons!.  Now char sui!”
“On seaweed! on Curry! On foo young ! on view!”
Bro wobbled up the stairs
To go get his wallet
£40 and a ten pence tip
If that’s what you call it..
The wind it did blow a wild hurricane did fly
And it blew bros prawn crackers right up to the sky
So the ladders were out and up bro did climb
The greedy fat fooker was up in quick time
The roof tiles did crack and the eaves they did creak
As the fat fookers eyes, his prawn crackers did seek
And tripped on his red onesie bottoms, the  clot
And fell head first into the  black chimney pot
He was stuck in the top showing his arse and his knackers
And his one arm was holding his soot covered prawn crackers
He looked a right twat  as we looked from below
With two chins full of fluff . And a scream of ho ho !!
His eyes were not twinkling and his dimples not merry
We phoned for a fire engine that was to come there from Bury
His droll little mouth still held a spring roll
And he still scoffed it up, though it tasted of coal
The fireman arrived and chuckled with mirth
At the little fat fooker stuck by his girth
 They asked how he got there as they looked at his belly
And it shook when they pulled like a bowl full of jelly
He was chubby and plump from his visits to Greggs
And the firemen did laugh as the pulled on his legs
With a heave and a ho and a winch with some throttle
He suddenly popped out like a cork from a bottle
He spoke not a word but went straight to his food
Not a thank you was heard which I thought was quite rude
And licking his fingers from his sticky spare ribs
The children still sleeping fast in their cribs
He couldn’t quite finish, with a face full of sorrow.
He saved his chow mein for breakfast tomorrow
But I heard him explain as he took his last bite
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!

i love my bro more than anyone would ever know and i hope he gets better and bettergot him this for crimbo to remind me off him



More bad news Dan my future son in law Grandad died in his sleep...he was 80 years young and his poor wife is in recovery from cancer

2014 can only get better

Happy Christmas...i dont think a lot of people read my blog...only me..lol but if there are anybody out there who does then i wish you all a very happy Christmas and a happy new year...and for all the people who have suffered and are suffering in the world ewith illness and for all the people who care for them and spend their nights worrying then i hope the new year brings hope and recovery and good news to you all.xx

Got bro a nice prezzie        

Alan Eccles

HOW TO MAKE A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whisky
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whisky
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Me and Bro and our usually festive faces...ha ha...we are a grumpy pair

just got bro a nice xmas pressie....i wasnt going to get the fat git anything but Christine said i had too.....anyhow i think it woill get the nod of approval off him on x mas day.....????

not many sleeps to go Bros well getting in the mood...only two more radio therapy sessions next week

Chemo Charlie update

Well it was off to Christies again for more treatment this time radio therapy to zap the little tumours.

I didn’t accompany bro this week  (some of us have to work) but I have had updates off  the kids who went with him ( well its cheaper than taking them to a panto) tight fooker!!! Anyhow all went well with the treatment this week and the kids enjoyed their days out???

 However something strange happened to bro on his way home from his night out last night …it would appear that his nose suddenly started to glow red. He wouldn’t have noticed but cars kept stopping when they saw him as he walked down the street. Course, he phoned me and I had to go and have a look…..Piss Funny!!!!   Anyway been on to Christies this morning and spoke to his consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti , who works in the Concology  Department.  .  I explained to him that Bros hooter has gone luminous and at night it glows red and he looks a bigger t*** than normal. Mr Mustapha Llukatfatti explained that it could be Acute Radiation Syndrome Effect (A.R.S.E) and it was quite a rare occurrence and he only knew of two other people that have suffered this side effect which happens due to the steroids one takes with the radiation therapy. The two people that he knew were actually two celebrities, one being the late  Danny La Rue and the other being the Swedish actor Dolph Lundgren, so bro was in quite group. Yes claim to fame….Rue, Dolph and bro….!!! Anyway he went on to say that the effects should only last a few months but they could also reach other parts of his extremities…. Oh dear..  On a good note, word has got about and he has been offered a job has Coco the Clown in  Billy Smarts circus at Heaton Park for 3 days in May next year, and he has been offered 3 days work as a stand in for Dale the Chipmunk in June in a remake of the Walt Disney classic…However that would be 6 days work in 2014 and bro thinks that working twice as much has he did in 2013 might take its toll on him….we will have to see……Tis the season to be jolly…

RUE,DOLPH AND BRO

You know Potsy and Kelly 

And  Karen and Jane

Viki and  Andrea 

And  Katrina and Elaine

But do you recall

The most famous Warby of all?

Eccy the luminous nosed fooker,

Had a nose that glowed all red .

And if you saw the fat t***

You would piss yourself at his head

All of his mates at warbys

Called him Chernobyl and cancer head

They wouldn’t let him therefore

Make any of their bread

Then one foggy Monday morn

Bro turned into work for once

His boss said  “fek me eccy”

You fekin red nosed ponce!!!

Then all  the other workers

Laughed and  clapped on their job

They cant wait for little brother

To come and show them his red knob!!

my bro is puddled....but i love him

More bad news today...mine and bros Aunty Peggy died today...a dear old lady who we will miss very much...we will be glad to see the back of this year.....R.I.P.XX

Bro continues with his treatment big sis has come up from the midlands so we have to behave....CheemoCharlie update… PICKIES MICKIES AND DICKIES
Sorry about the delay with bros update but I have been keeping a low profile for a while….As most of you know me and fat bro were accompanied by our posh sister Babs to this months chemo session so it was going to be boring to say the least. She seems to not like my chemo updates in her words they are ”slately exaggerated”  So it looked like it was going to be a very boring session with me and fat bro having to behave ourselves , bro had to have an endoscopy as well as his chemo treatment in this session, (a camera up the arse for those of you not used to medical terminology)
Anyway,  off we sets and when we reach the private car park at Christies we notice it is full of caravans and trucks and dogs and things and Babs says “ Look the cor pork is awash with Pickies”….“Pikeys” I said.  Usually we get on free but it cost us  £5 for a wristband each and we just about managed to park in between a scrap iron truck and a tarmac lorry.. I did think the tarmac lorry was about to go because two men were mixing the grass seed with the hot tarmac as we drove into the gap. It was very busy with a football match going on the length of the entire car park with two Propane bottles at one end for goal and two soiled nappies at the other.
When we got to the reception Babs complained to the staff saying “Look here young  man, my brother pays for private medicine and we don’t want riff raff  such as Pickies on our cor pork… “Pikeys” I whispered. The staff orderly explained that one of them had come in for tests on a suspected brain tumour, the symptoms were classic, he had put an empty crisp packet in a bin and bought a bar of soap.
Not wishing to dwell, as we were late we thought we had better get fat bro in his hospital gown and then he could have his endoscopy straight after his chemo. We got him dressed into it but unfortunately put it on back to front, anyhow it was too late to faff about with it…we got him in his chair and got his drip on discretely pulling his gown over his particulars…He began on his first bag of chemo fluid….
Just then a large looking man came in and introduced himself as Gentleman Mick, more followed and he introduced them as little Mick, cousin Mick,  granddad Mick, nephew Mick and son-in-law Mick
 “All them Mickies is Pickies” said Babs..  “Pikeys” I whispered staring my eyes at her ….any how they wasn’t alone, along followed Micks mum  Jane Petrolengro who got seated in the corner of thee room and pulled cards out her pocket “The Pickies got turret cords” said Babs ..“Pikeys” I said a bit louder this time… Well before long she’s charging £5 a go to have your cards read and I did see her throwing the grim reaper cards out of the window and the cancer patients are flocking to have theirs cards read and all leaving with big smiles on their faces. Bros getting dripped with his chemo fluid, but I had forgot that one of the side effects is that all your extremities go cold and stiff and this appeared to have happened to his todger and it was pointing straight to the ceiling through the gap in his gown.. Now,  bro isn’t short in that department I remember mum thinking her baby had 3 arms when he was born… you could actually have pole danced around it, but 3 little Pikeys had got their mums rather large brass earrings and were playing hoopla on it….Gentleman Mick never wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth had taped a card to bro saying  £2 a go ..3 hoops on to win a fiver and a prize for everyone… little goldfish in bags were being brought into the room as prizes…Bros bag by this time was done and the nurse came in to attach the second one…However in all the confusion she attached a goldfish bag by mistake.   Mick was doing a roaring trade now and a big queue was formed for the Hoop La.
Bro by this time kept calling for someone called bob?? Or wanting a bob?? I just kept seeing his mouth move.. “bob.. bob ..bob. .bob.”
His todger had become rather scaly looking and people were complaining the earrings wouldn’t fit over.  Mick taped a tenner to the base to try to compensate for this…at least it covered bros balls. Babs then said  “what’s  Mickie the Pickie  doing with my brothers tisticles” I was at my wits end with her and screamed “YOU” “FUCKING  P..I..K..E..Y..S………. PIKEYS!!!!!!!!!” at which point I felt all these angry eyes looking at me….with a sudden leap up I grabbed bros scaly todger and ran out as fast as I could dragging him behind me to the car…we waited  there for Babs…who came along 5 minutes later telling us that she thought the Pickies  were looking for us…All the way home Bro still wanted a “bob” and kept banging his head on the window of the car…..oh….Sis isn’t coming again!! She doesn’t care for Nemotherapy!!!!

 Bros supposed to be having another cheemo session today but he doesnt want to have it has he feels like it is not doing very much and the tumours have not shrunk enough to enable them to be removed so we are going to see the consultant to see what options are open to us...we are all a little worried


Final Cheemo Charlie update.
Bros last chemo today  but he has decided not to have it and has only agreed to go to see his consultant Mr  Lukatfatti so he can have breakfast and lunch at the hospital .FAT FOOKER!! When we arrive, bro makes a beeline for the breakfast menu and I ask to see Mr Lukatfatti.  His receptionist Miss Chin Tu Fat asks him to come to our room. He arrives and goes on to say that the cycloposhamide agent and the mercaptopurine antimetobolite have not caused a lymphatic node effectuate, in other words the chemo has done jack shit!!   I glance at bro,  greedily eating a sausage from the full breakfast he has ordered.  I ask Mr Lukatfatti what other options were left for us and he suggested a liver transplant.  Just half a liver would do, but it must be a perfect match,  and in the general public a 5000/1 chance of finding, but if a sister donated half a liver those odds would drop to 500/1, and  if a brother donated  because of the male gene it most likely match perfectly.  “He hasn’t got another brother unfortunately“…I said.  Mr Lukatfatti raised his eyebrows and nodded in my direction. “Hang on!!! There are two reasons why I cant donate half of mine… 1. I don’t like scalpels and the thought of only having half a liver, and  2. I don’t care much for the little FAT FOOKER anyway and only come here with him because mum says I have to“.  I glance at bro who had a dribble of egg running down one of his chins …FAT FOOKER!!!
Mr Lukatfatti then said that there was a possibility I could buy one…people sell all kinds of parts of the [--body…. blind people were not born blind, or became blind,  they sold their eyes,  that is why they wear dark glasses, because they have got holes in their heads where their eyes used to be …look for example at Stevie Wonder,  a  struggling 18 year old musician who sold his eyes., then he took piano and head waggling lessons and became a superstar.  Oscar Pistorius an   athlete  who couldn’t win a race. .sold his legs and won a gold medal .. Became a celebrity.. Although it went a bit pear shaped when he wanted to sell his girlfriends legs too and she wouldn’t..  Bang Bang  ! ..
They retail at about  £157 said Mr Lukatfatti. “That’s not bad 157 quid for a liver” I said.  £157,000 he added  . Fek  me!!! I bet any money you can get them on EBay  a lot cheaper than that I thought.  “Be careful when you buy though because there are a few rogue traders to watch out for“ ..said Mr Lukatfatti. There is a  DR. ACULA…he sells blood mostly but it is usually past its CELL by date….and  MORGEN BALMER  his stuff is full of chemicals but it is dead cheap  and ANNABELLE ECTOR  steer clear of her!!  “Have you bought anything”  I asked.. A pair of feet but they sent the wrong ones and I had to return them, a case of myxomatosis …I looked at Bro, he was mopping up his beans with a piece of toast with one hand and had the lunch menu in the other hand, FAT FOOKER!!   I used his laptop to look on EBAY and bingo! the first thing I come across was a PAIR OF EYES…
DESCRIPTION Beautiful matching HAZEL EYES  size 3 centimetre comes with matching brows and complete with optic nerve and  a pair of Viva la Diva sunglasses. FIRST TO BUY WILL SEE!!…
Next item was an HEART…..
DESCRIPTION…One loving HEART in rose coloured ice box complete with scented ribbon and loving gift card….Impress the comatose love of your life on valentines day with this beautiful beating heart.  BUY IT NOW £3000 (YOU WONT GET IT ONE AORTA CHEAPER ANYWHERE!!)
HEAD, ARMS, LEGS ,AND TORSO…Buy all you need for the perfect body .in one simple transaction. Email the buyer dick@ntlworld.com with any questions or to arrange delivery
LEGS…only worn once…. in hot pants. .very RETRO 60s  DON’T LET THESE GET AWAY!!!!…..
VAGINA..NEW WITH TAGS. COMPLETE WITH WASH  INSTRUCTIONS ON THE LABIA…….
MATCHING HANDS  in beautiful manicured condition…PLEASE SEE MY OTHER ITEMS …I  looked…a pair of marks and spencer gloves and a 24 carat wedding ring….and a Twister game…
I type in LIVER and miraculously there was one there, it was being sold by a Welsh  farmer by the name of Dafydd  Jones.. Who now fortunately had a farm close by in UPPER RAMSBOTTOM
DESCRIPTION ..One beautiful fully functional LIVER belonged to my dearest beloved DOLLY who passed away this week.. Her heart was still BLEATING when the liver was removed…her internal organs were all in working order when she died, only her FOOT and  MOUTH were cause for concern. She was a non smoker ..apart from the odd bit of GRASS which she partook of occasionally.
EWE wont be disappointed if you win this item…I have HERD it’s a rare item only one on eBay
so people will  FLOCK to bid on this item.
Only seven day listing because I want to make room for the new love of my life LARRY….
Highest bid… 99 pence..  I SHEEPISHLY look  at bro who was now tucking into a huge steak pie for his dinner and I thought…Do I don’t I?? Would he know it was from a sheep? Would I be able to pull the WOOL over his eyes??  Bugger it  1.04p..I hope I don’t get FLEECED …A message came up.. You are the highest  bidder to date….SHIT!!!  I am winning the bloody thing …Well I suppose I could SHEAR the cost of it with my sisters…
I glanced again at bro he had spilt gravy on his chin next to the egg…he looked like he was eating a toffee and banana arrow bar and the FAT FOOKER had gone fast ASHEEP… BAH BAH FOLKS!

bro with the lads

another great barby and bro had a good time . all his sons came

SCAN THE MAN UPDATE

Well its been a bit quiet without scan the man (john Eccles) while he’s been swanning it on his 18-30 (stone) holiday in Skegness . He is back now unfortunately as you all know..
Anyhow while he has been living it up I have been in consultations with his consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti and his Russian liver surgeon Yura Pudin.  Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti has expressed his concern over scan the mans scan on Tuesday he explained to me that due to the interior radii of the computer  axial tomography and the circumferential  quantification of  the differential of the pelvis and the thorax then there is a slight concern that the fat fooker wont fit into the scan machine.  Anyhow, one alternative was to put him in one way scan him then put him in the other way and scan him again, however his surgeon Yura Pudin reckoned this might miss a distance of approximately 20 centimetres and due to his liver being right behind his fat gut it may not show expected reduction of  the growth.
Alan has had to come to the rescue again to save the situation and with his welding knowledge and the help of two retired wagon shop welders and a former panel beater from kempsters we have been able to modify the machine with a hinged lid and a design not dissimilar to a wok. We think now that bro will fit in however if he wears his yellow sweater the fat fooker will look like a human toastie.
Moving forward to the proposed removal of,  by now, reduced tumor. Mr Yura Pudin has also expressed concerns of cutting his way through masses and masses of fatty tissue and if he were to attempt this difficult task he may need the help of two whalers from Greenland and  these are difficult to find due to it being whaling season in Greenland.
However Mr Yura Pudin has mentioned to me this new advanced ground breaking technology that he has successfully carried out on one occasion. He is only able to carry the said operation with someone who excessively converses through the distal portion of the large intestine…ie…talks through his arse…bro fit’s the patient requirements perfectly.
The operation involves taking a luring substance and placing iron elements into it and similar to a barium meal giving it the patient to drink,. After a short while of detestation the lure of the substance attracts the little tumour, who thinks ..hey its dinner time and leaves his safe haven of the liver to have a nibble of the luring substance. Unbeknown to the little intolerable growth Mr Yuri Pudding has got bros arsehole wide open and is sat there with one of those little plastic fishing rods with a magnet on the end ( yes you’ve got it , like the ones we had when we were kids ) ready to pick up the little magnetised tumour. it’s a delicate operation and care must be taken that it doesn’t drop off the end off the magnet and that bro keeps on talking throughout so his arse hole doesn’t close, which is why a local anaesthetic will be used.

We had a dads and lads bowling competition at our bowling club at the weekend. My bro is a top bowler and won the famous waterloo bowling trophy in 1991. here he is letting his hair down at the fun day where he partnered his youngest son William and reached the final...

                                                                          fat git lol

                       Bro and william ready for thier next match



                                                                             won again

                                    William and our Tom

Its July now and the weather has been really good and bros is having a short break from his chemotherapy...he might start feeling a bit better now.....

Well the chemotherapy treatment Is over for the moment and in three weeks or more it will be further scans to see the amount of success this has achieved, I am confident that it will have been successful and it will be a step forward on the road to recovery for my little brother.

We have laughed a bit along the way and tried to make light heartedness of a bad illness…I’m not a very sympathetic person so a shoulder to cry on is not my way of helping. …Ive cried a lot along the way and luckily for me, my bessie Christine has been there to comfort me… the words I have wrote over the months, I have wrote, to make bro laugh (he knows what I am like) and selfishly to  help me through this difficult time…In the words of Rudyard Kipling “words, of course, are the most powerful drug used by mankind”

I know its early days and there is a long road ahead for my little brother  and I imagine a lot more pain and heartache to come but we are going to beat this!

 I know it’s a cliché  but I have wished a hundred times that I could swop places with my little brother  and make him better , I suppose deep down I must love him a lot.

Me and John have been lucky in so much that Dad, Mum, and Barbara and Susan our sisters are still around, and apart from this little blip we have had no serious illnesses among us, which puts us well ahead of an enormous amount of people less fortunate than ourselves. We don’t intend reducing the size of our family for many years to come, so there Mr C!!!..

There I go again with a few tears I suppose I do get a little sentimental..
Bet bros thinking im waiting for a sarcastic comment to follow!!!.. lol.. not today mate
We will save that for  Scan For The Man updates

Chemo Charlie update. 

Well its been the usual pantomine at Christies with fat bro.
His consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti and his surgeon Yura Pudding are both on their hols so I hoped it would be a quick in and out today.
We arrived early and got our usual spot in chair 12,  in our room  was the most big bosomed girl that you had ever seen, me and bro couldn’t take our eyes off her knockers, however she was also saddled with having the most spotty face that we had ever seen in our lives too.. lol . She introduced herself as Lena Overmee and was accompanied by her friend Ann Wagglum. Another person a Welsh lad from the valleys introduced himself as Hugh Mongous.  Lena Overmee, Ann Wagglum and Hugh  Mongous  told us they were on a training course from medical school and were there to observe treatments. “not much to observe today then. Just me here” said bro. “No. There’s a gentleman in chair 11 there” hes behind the tea trolley” said Lena Overmee. Just then out popped I swear the smallest man I had ever seen A dwarf no  bigger than 3 feet high, who then introduced himself as Dan.
Now correct me if I am wrong but I didn’t think dwarves got ill, in the 57 years of my life I had never seen a dwarf in a hospital, or in my doctors, or in a dentist, not even getting a prescription in the chemist, come to think of it not even in the parocetomal isle at Tesco. I thought they were Unbreakable like in the Bruce Willis film. Any way bet his scan don’t show anything up!.
Anway the nurses come round and Bro is tubed up for his chemo.. Ann and Hugh are watching intently,  
Lena is fiddling with one of her spots and  Dan The Dwarf is making real efforts to try to get up into his chair. Bro Comments that they shouldn’t let dwarves onto the private ward and they should be National elf !!
Anyhow I ask bro to get the cards out and he says he has a surprise for me and out he pulls a game of Scrabble.(Bet he’s been practising all week) Still, let the fat fooker have his fun!!
Dan the dwarf asked if he could join in if we put a cushion or two on a chair for him, and Big busted spotty Lena asked to join in too, Anne had gone to theatre to watch a prostrate op.  I asked Hugh If he wanted to play but he could only play with a Welsh Scrabble set, which 100 letters ( or tiles as they are known) are made up as follows 64 L’s ..22G’s…8 D’s…4 Y’s an E and an A.. he did however offer to adjudicate.
We let bro go first because it was his game and he was phoning mum if I didn’t let him. We all drew our 7 tiles and off we went. After numerous minutes thinking and concentration  Bro played the first word…IT….Now I am not being funny but the highest ever recorded first word in Scrabble was MUSJIKS (a russian peasant) which got a whopping  128 on the first move, the average number of points being 28...   bro gets 2 on a double word = 4.…..thick fooker!! Lena goes next and twiddles and presses a big inflamed spot while she ponders her move…suddenly a stream of creamy yellow gunk is ejaculated from it and it lands in the form of a Z right in front of IT….ZIT!!!! Shouts Hugh 12 points…
“Im not Happy” said Dan….”who are you then,  Dopey??” said bro with a giggle.
 Dan then takes his turn…and places a 7 letter word…LOTTIES….me and bros eyes zoom in to Lenas cleavage…“Toilets” Dan shouts out… I don’t believe my eyes and ears…I am playing scrabble with a dyslexic dwarf…who has just got 94 points
My turn next mmmm? TRCANCE….cancer?? ..acne??.. crater ?? Best miss a turn and  swop mine.
Bros turn TO “ on a double letter”  he joyously shouts 3 points…Lena keeps playing medical terms to catch us out like ANALLY…bro says ok that means every year…

Dan the dwarfs  next few goes are not much better MELONS…HOOTERS…BERTHAS.. Once again causing bro and I to gaze on the two pendulous breasts at the side of us …..however Dan informs us it says SOLEMN…SOOTHER…BATHERS…Anyhow he is racking up the points.

Lena is still on the medical terms ARTERY.. study of paintings bro says and LYMPH…What you do with a sore leg.. and BARIUM…what you do with patients when they die he says…thick fooker!!

I am still getting rubbish letters …SUBYTYB mmmm  Busty?? Stubby?? Tubby?? Swop again 

Anyhow no letters left finally and you wouldn’t believe it, its bros go and he comes up with a 7 letter word ZOMBIFY z on a triple letter Y on a double letter and a triple word score…200 points BINGO!!

The rest of us knock our letters left off…Dan the dyxlexic dwarf has got IOIO (I wish it was off to work I go!!) Big Busted lena has got a double FF left and I have  PISTOFF..so true. Hugh Mongous declares bro the winner and we all go home…thank god

On the way home I muse at the game of Scrabble and how real life is remarkably similar to the game…

Sometimes through your life you are  dealt crap letters and sometimes in life your dealt great letters, whatever your dealt make the most out of them that you can possibly can do. There are times in life when you want to throw all your letters back in and give up on everything.. just skip a day and wait for the next days letters and hope they are better….the thing is though that the difficult letters are those most rewarding to us, they hold the biggest values…if we can overcome the big problems in life and not give up then great rewards are in store for us.. Life is often jumbled up like the letters in scrabble and its very difficult to make any sense of things….It twists and turns like a scrabble board  and from a jumbled mess the words of someone else can always help you and make you feel better…   That’s what I think anyway….

See you folks

Sos it was long winded.....bros cheemo went ok. a week or two of side effects...but heres hoping

                     
               
                 
we wrote this for Christines Aunty Sue who lost her battle with cancer and who never let it get her down...a lovely lady...
 
                          SOMEONE  SPECIAL


 Someone, who made me laugh with the stories that she told.
 Under a hard outer shell, someone who had a heart of gold.
 Someone, so upright,  strong, and someone ever proud,
 And someone, who never failed to stand out in a crowd.
 Not ever sad. But someone who smiled away those last few years,

 And someone who would say. “You can all just put away those tears!”
 Not someone, who ever thought the world owed her anything at all,
 No…. someone who smiled, laughed, and waited for the lord to call.

  Feelings that I cant express,  of someone who gave such pleasure,
  Life ebbed away. Memories stay. Of someone who was such a treasure.
  Even now, someone I know, is close, and will always be near,
  Maybe someone will make me smile, gently whispering in my ear.
  I know that someone, is now filling angels hearts with laughter
  Now that someone rests peacefully in the land hereafter.
  God bless you Susan. Someone who was so special ……