MY LITTLE BROTHER HAS CANCER

Well today has been a sad day because me and bro have had to attend a funeral of a dear member of our family. Now bro hasn’t been going out much due to the incontinence problem that he has been having due to his bowel cancer which causes him to shit himself when he farts and he keeps pissing himself all the time. Surprisingly he allowed me to take him to church (he has almost forgive me for buying him an electric blanket for Christmas) well it was the thought that counts, I was going to  put some “tenners” in his card… and I had thought the bottle of Pinot More that I had also got him might have helped a little..
On a more favourable note, he has, with   the help of various cancer groups and some prescription drugs,  been able to get himself into a routine where has has a pee and a shit twice a day at 7 am and again at 10.30pm….unfortunately he doesn’t get up till 7.30am and he goes to bed at 10pm….anyway I digress ..back to church
Me and Bro were unable to sit next to each other in church because of all the people there but I did manage to sit behind him in the next row of seats with our friends Bob and Sue.
Anyway he had been and had a shit in the crematorium toilets just before we came into the chapel, so I did think at least he will be able to hold himself now till after the service…how wrong was I…
We were halfway through  the Lords prayer when bro turns around to me and says “Bro I think im going to fart”  I told him not to panic and to cough loudly at the same time that he farts  and when the smell arrives look at Bob next  to me as though it is him done it.  “ I cant cough” bro went on to add “ I will piss myself too if I cough”  Now I am no prude I actually think that farting is a kind of small miracle in itself , I mean can you imagine whistling through a mouthful of shit. .well that is mostly what your sphincter is blowing through, alongside a lot more obstacles without incident…well mostly without incident…Suddenly bro cant hold it any longer and lets out the hugest of rectum roars. Now I am  not 100% sure  but I think I remember a quote from someone when I was a choirboy at St Johns in Heywood that farting in church was actually illegal …and I quote “A person is guilty of disturbance or disruption at a religious service, funeral,  burial or memorial  service when he/she makes unreasonable noise to cause a disturbance while at a religious service funeral, burial or memorial service  or within one hundred feet thereof with intent to cause annoyance or alarm and recklessly causing a disturbance thereof….. therefore a fart in church could find you guilty of an offence!! Not only that but the awful smell of Turkey, brussel sprouts and cabbage and potatoes (that had been bubbling in a corner of his rectum for more than a week) that filled the air made me think that bro had actually shit himself too.
It was then that in a  very tactful manner it was time for the vicar  to read a verse from the bible…and I think his choice was a very theological one……..
ECONOMICCLASSIANS chapter 34 verse 13..“And though a foul wind bloweth a stench so unholy it singes the hair and leaves no air clean , the Lord ever so merciful grants His Grace unto that winds bearer. And lo, even though that wind sickens the heart and mind of all corners of mankind, the bearer can be held blameless, for such  is the Will of the Lord.
The vicar went on to add that he who hath no sin cast the first stone and called on this mans brothers to help this man…he then shuffled up the steps to light another few incence sticks.
Now from a religious point of view I think the term “this man brothers ” was meant to mean one and all of the congregation and not just his actual brother, I  responding with a famous quote “ CONFUCIUS SAYS ., HE WHO FARTS IN CHURCH SITS IN OWN PEW” and I hurriedly left the church…

I did manage to take a pic as I was going…..