Just written Bros book which is called Paper Lampshades and the draft is on its way from America. Its about how we laughed in the face of cancer, the fun we had along the way and how my bro kept smiling right until the end. There is a lot of sadness too and i hope the book shows the courage that my bro had and how, in spite of his illness he still managed to love everyone.  The book is based on this blog with lots of funny tales. I am hoping to raffle off the one i have had published and there is paperback versions that i will be attempting to sell and give the proceeds to the hospice in Rochdale that looked after Bro so well in his final weeks.

Cheemo Charlie update..........the final one.... i hope......

What a pantomime it is going to be today. Here am I stuck in this thing, not enough room to swing a cat round in. This would been my  tight sister  Babs choice I bet. Wonder where she got it from www.cheap coffin.com i imagine. I have seen bigger boxes on the cereal aisle at Tescos!! All week people have been popping there heads in gawping at me. Mums been there pecking my head for days. Be  glad when they shut the lid.  And all the rubbish they have been chucking in. Thanks Charles for the wacky bakky spliff you put in, dint have the sense to put a lighter or matches in with it ......numpty!!, it is not even a cremation so i cannot even get a light there!! Happy days

Whose idea was it to put two bowls in, ones just rolled when the hearse set off and clonked me on the head, i cannot  tell you what the other one has hit, but it is the first time i have had tears in my eyes since I had to buy the first round after winning the Waterloo. If i find it was William who put them in he is in for it. I think for sure bro must have sorted out the pall bearers. Good choice bro, two 4 foot tall, two 5 feet tall, and  two 6 feet 6 inches tall, the coffins being carried at an angle of 45 degrees, all the bloods rushed to me head, me bodies all white and my heads bright red... i look like a toffee apple!! Happy days..

Big crowd though, i know i said dress as you want, but you there in the fourth row, yes you!! Your half undressed woman.. if this coffin lid starts to slowly open because of you i can see a massive stampede to the door!!

Have you seen the plot they have picked for me, Blinking Rebecca I bet, farm on one side, Springfield Park golf course on the other, so it is the smell of cow dung daily for me while i get peppered by golf balls from 24 handicap golfers all through the year. A 98 year old church warden on one side and an 88 year old mother of seven on the other...Happy days...not!!!!

Well look at all you bowlers......Stand up everyone who I have not beat!.....thought so, not a rear has left a pew, you are all thinking that is one less we have to beat when we go Hopwood...well just remember when you are all at 20-20 and your running up the last wood, think is rolling straight to the jack and a sudden gust of wind sends it a yard past i will be laughing my head off up there!

 Nice to see you all in your club sweaters, hee hee...you fell for that one, you all look right wallies!!!...

Songs were nice....I wanted Bohemian Rhapsody, but our Sue was worried that someone might forget to turn the cd off and I would be lowered in to the grave and the solemn silence would be broken by the sound of “Du Du Du Du Another one bites the dust”. Happy days..

 Dressed me in my Man City shirt though...Thanks Kids...i know that so and so of a bro of mine wanted me in a Man United one...but i wouldn’t be seen dead in one of them....woops...no pun intended.... Dont laugh!!!  Your at a funeral,  I will excuse you if you let out a giggle in a few minutes though because I am dying to break wind.

 So here we are...happy days.....i have had a fantastic life.....i have laughed and cried...i have moments to treasure, memories of a lifetime of love. So many beautiful people that i have shared it with...got to go now...got a date with an 88 year old mother of seven....Stud muffin.lol Happy days..........................xxx

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Bros funeral today, we intend to give him a good send of and celebrate the life he lived. The guy always laughed, he was such an happy man, he was good fun to be around, i will miss him. The memories will still be there and i will look back at the times we had. Me and bro were a good double act,we enjoyed making people laugh, i will miss him. He was a proud and loving father and i know his children, Rebecca,Charles,Joe and William will miss him so much. He leaves a hole in our heart, but this hole is filled with lots of happy memories.xx

Bro passed away peacefully at 8.02pm on 14th October 2014. xxxxx

Words for 4 brave children

Jewels of sunlight lay lines of life along your weakened being,
Outstretched hands grasp at shadows that you are seeing.
Himself no more, a fraction of the man we loved so much,
Needful of a syringe, a pill, a nurses loving touch.

And yet, beyond the ravaged shell, on which we rest each saddened stir,
Now filled with little hope of life and shrouded in a blur.
Depart our Dad, sleep well and rest for us who hold you dear,
Remember us in life ahead, as angels draw so near.
Encircled in a families arms, remembering times gone by,
With a Mothers love, a lovers heart, a sons and daughters cry.

Each breath you take is now so feint , each movement ever less,
Can leaving be so hard dear Dad, Gods love, our kiss, God bless.
Cling not for us, we knew you well and marveled at the fight,
Leave though at peace, a restful sleep and go towards the light,
End all this pain, you owe us nought, We loved the time we had,
Some words. Rebecca,Charles Joe and William. For you our loving Dad

xxxx

xxxx

Bros still in the hospice but he is fading fast and his family are still at his bedside. i saw him yesterday and he acknowledged with a nod that i was there. its heartbreaking to see him slowly dying and i wish the end would come soon and let him rest peacefully. i love the guy to pieces. he has been so brave but i think he can give up the fight now. he has proven to everyone that you can lead a life with cancer. it may get the better of you in the end, but it does not take your life away when you are diagnosed. he has been a role model for his children, and i have been in awe of his courage this last two years.xx

Bros really comfortable in the hospice. His children have been fantastic. Adele has been a rock. Bro must be so proud. Hes having drugs all the time now but still smiling. i love the brave guy too bits. just been looking at Dads scrapbook of all his bowling achievements. he was the best!!. Rebecca Charles, Joe, William, Adele, you must be so proud. Thinking of you all.xx

REMEMBER WHEN POSH SIS COME TO CHRISTIES WITH US...LOL

CheemoCharlie update… PICKIES MICKIES AND DICKIES
Sorry about the delay with bros update but I have been keeping a low profile for a while….As most of you know me and fat bro were accompanied by our posh sister Babs to this months chemo session so it was going to be boring to say the least. She seems to not like my chemo updates in her words they are ”slately exaggerated” So it looked like it was going to be a very boring session with me and fat bro having to behave ourselves , bro had to have an endoscopy as well as his chemo treatment in this session, (a camera up the arse for those of you not used to medical terminology)
Anyway, off we sets and when we reach the private car park at Christies we notice it is full of caravans and trucks and dogs and things and Babs says “ Look the cor pork is awash with Pickies”….“Pikeys” I said. Usually we get on free but it cost us £5 for a wristband each and we just about managed to park in between a scrap iron truck and a tarmac lorry.. I did think the tarmac lorry was about to go because two men were mixing the grass seed with the hot tarmac as we drove into the gap. It was very busy with a football match going on the length of the entire car park with two Propane bottles at one end for goal and two soiled nappies at the other.
When we got to the reception Babs complained to the staff saying “Look here young man, my brother pays for private medicine and we don’t want riff raff such as Pickies on our cor pork… “Pikeys” I whispered. The staff orderly explained that one of them had come in for tests on a suspected brain tumour, the symptoms were classic, he had put an empty crisp packet in a bin and bought a bar of soap.
Not wishing to dwell, as we were late we thought we had better get fat bro in his hospital gown and then he could have his endoscopy straight after his chemo. We got him dressed into it but unfortunately put it on back to front, anyhow it was too late to faff about with it…we got him in his chair and got his drip on discretely pulling his gown over his particulars…He began on his first bag of chemo fluid….
Just then a large looking man came in and introduced himself as Gentleman Mick, more followed and he introduced them as little Mick, cousin Mick, granddad Mick, nephew Mick and son-in-law Mick
“All them Mickies is Pickies” said Babs.. “Pikeys” I whispered staring my eyes at her ….any how they wasn’t alone, along followed Micks mum Jane Petrolengro who got seated in the corner of thee room and pulled cards out her pocket “The Pickies got turret cords” said Babs ..“Pikeys” I said a bit louder this time… Well before long she’s charging £5 a go to have your cards read and I did see her throwing the grim reaper cards out of the window and the cancer patients are flocking to have theirs cards read and all leaving with big smiles on their faces. Bros getting dripped with his chemo fluid, but I had forgot that one of the side effects is that all your extremities go cold and stiff and this appeared to have happened to his todger and it was pointing straight to the ceiling through the gap in his gown.. Now, bro isn’t short in that department I remember mum thinking her baby had 3 arms when he was born… you could actually have pole danced around it, but 3 little Pikeys had got their mums rather large brass earrings and were playing hoopla on it….Gentleman Mick never wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth had taped a card to bro saying £2 a go ..3 hoops on to win a fiver and a prize for everyone… little goldfish in bags were being brought into the room as prizes…Bros bag by this time was done and the nurse came in to attach the second one…However in all the confusion she attached a goldfish bag by mistake. Mick was doing a roaring trade now and a big queue was formed for the Hoop La.
Bro by this time kept calling for someone called bob?? Or wanting a bob?? I just kept seeing his mouth move.. “bob.. bob ..bob. .bob.”
His todger had become rather scaly looking and people were complaining the earrings wouldn’t fit over. Mick taped a tenner to the base to try to compensate for this…at least it covered bros balls. Babs then said “what’s Mickie the Pickie doing with my brothers tisticles” I was at my wits end with her and screamed “YOU” “FUCKING P..I..K..E..Y..S………. PIKEYS!!!!!!!!!” at which point I felt all these angry eyes looking at me….with a sudden leap up I grabbed bros scaly todger and ran out as fast as I could dragging him behind me to the car…we waited there for Babs…who came along 5 minutes later telling us that she thought the Pickies were looking for us…All the way home Bro still wanted a “bob” and kept banging his head on the window of the car…..oh….Sis isn’t coming again!! She doesn’t care for Nemotherapy!!!!

LikeLi

A LITTLE BIT OF RAIN AINT STOPPING BRO GETTING SOME FRESH AIR OUTSIDE THE HOSPICE. HE WONT STAY IN HIS BED. I WISH HE WOULD EAT A LITTLE BUT HE HAS NO APPETITE WHATSOEVER. HIS SENSE OF HUMOUR IS STILL THERE, WE KEEP HAVING A LAUGH, BRAVE GUY MY BRO.XX

Bros comfortable in the hospice now . he is a little weak so he needs oxygen frequently. his family are all around him. he must be well proud of his children.xx

On Wednesday lunch time the macmillan team felt that it probably was best that bro be admitted to the hospice. he has been getting weaker and weaker and has been in a great deal of pain. Mum and the rest of the family have supported him right through this disease but there had to come a time when it would become absolutely necessary for professional carers to work along side mum, family and friends. The staff at Springhill hospice have been absolutely wonderful to bro and all our family.They are such a caring team of nurses and staff, i cant say enough how caring they have been. Bro now seems to be almost pain free and has been able to go outside in a wheelchair and enjoy some late summer we are having. I think the summer is staying just for bro. He looks so content at the moment and i am overwhelmed by the messages and thoughts of all his friends. if i had a tenth of the friends my bro has i would be a very rich man. I dont know what the next few days/weeks will bring but i know that he is in the right place to enjoy them. A little picture of him with his wonderful wife adele and children, Charles, Rebecca,William, Joe.

Chemo Charlie update. Its been a long journey with chemo Charlie and bro has decided that he is having no more chemotherapy so this is our farewell to chemo Charlie. We have had laughs along the way (mostly at bros expense) but this is our good bye to Charlie.  What a day we have had with that not so fat fooker of a brother of mine. This is the story about how my bros head as caved in and how we are trying to get it back right for him. When we were all kids me, my sisters Babs and Sue , we all picked our noses, there was nothing we liked more than a bit of Rhinotillexomania, (which is actually derived from the Greek  words  Rhino, ..nose, tillex...to pick, and Mania...compulsive disorder) Our Sue is actually in Heywood folklore for being Rose Queen of St Johns and walking 5 miles through Heywood on a Whit Sunday with a finger up each nostril. However, Bro never enjoyed the challenge of digging away for gold  , or  as we called them bogeys, or as others called them boogers. Why you might ask  if it was a family trait and a worldwide pastime did bro not do it?? SAUSAGE FINGERS!! Yes the fat fooker as he was even at his younger years could not get his fat fingers which measured a circumference of 63 millimetres into either nostril which had an inside circumference of 53 millimetres. Therefore as a youngster he developed an alternative habit to satisfy his need for comfort, He started licking toilet seats, apparently this fetish is somewhere in the same genealogical category as nose picking. He once had to get the caretaker at Magdala st school (with the help of two boxes of Swan Vesta matches) to remove his tongue from a frosty outside toilet seat, when he was a mere six years old. Anyhow i digress a little.                                                                                                 Last week when he was playing in his new recliner riser chair and   he tipped it too much and lunged forward and in a quirk of fate his left hand index finger went right up his left nostril. Yes he has become thin and his sausage fingers are no more. Since then he has gone 24/7 picking his fekin hooter, his fingers are never out of his conk......52 YEARS OF BOGEYS!!!! All ready for picking and man is he going to town. He has discretely been placing them on the cushion of his sofa, because it is surplus to requirements now he sits all the time on his recliner, the bloody macmillan nurse sat on it Monday  and left bros with a faux leather cushion stuck to her arse. On Tuesday bro had developed the pick, roll and flick method and was decorating his wall mirror with an array of bogeys. Worse to come, on  Wednesday he couldn’t remove a particular sticky one from his hand and in desperation he picked it off with his teeth and realised that it tasted nice. 52 YEARS OF BOOGERS TO EAT!!. He then started putting them on muffins, Booger King  springs to mind. Anyhow having 52 years of boogers in his head,  he is systematically removing and eating them, his belly is getting fatter but his head is looking like a plastic coke bottle on a bonfire. Mum was right when she said if you carry on your head will cave in!!! Something has to be done to get him back on his unharmful (apart from the occasions when he has to clean his teeth with Immac) toilet seat licking. Anyhow i scoured the internet for help and i found a place that could help Spring Hill Horse Piss, (Not to be confused with the place for the chronically ill to receive palliative care in Rochdale) No this is  a stables just off Edenfield road  who specialize in the production of Horse piss to help in the rehabilitation and support of people who suffer from toilet seat licking and other strange and bizarre habits. We took bro there today and we have him hooked up to a bag of urine from a dapple grey Dartmoor pony  and one from a shire stallion whos dam used to pull a  dray full of Bass Charrington  barrels of beer. We have left him there tonight and hope that his need to eat his bogeys will disappear and his full sized head will return when the horse piss kicks in and he reverts back to toilet seat licking. Come on bro.You can do it pal. God Bless. XX                                               

Got Bro his new chair and now he is able to get up on his own with his riser recliner so he is well chuffed.

Chemo Charlie Update.

Well,  was at Christies on Thursday with Bro who was having the next session of his treatment. Because the standard Chemo treatment has not been all that successful an alternative has had to be tried and it was felt that it might be a better approach to go back to mother earth and try the old age method of herbalism (the use of plants for medicinal purposes). It was felt that maybe if some onions were liquidised and these were used as a chemotherapy fluid it might cure Bro more naturally. The consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti said the treatment was widely used in the treatment of cancer and he thought that there was nothing better for your liver than Onions.                    Bro had to first be examined and  two nurses, Neil Downe and Ben Dover came in and asked him to take his cloves off. Everything was ok in that department so the onions were liquidised by a nice nurse called Annie Seed. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Rebecca had to go out for a thyme because she couldn’t stand the smell with tears streaming down her face. Bro was then bagged up and fitted to the machine. Bros crying now as well  “it is the onions “ said the nurse, but it wasn’t, he had just trapped his not so chubby fingers in his reclining chair..thick not so fat fooker!!  Mr Mustapha said there might be  some slight side effects such as developing a slightly silver skin, Bro might also get pins and needles sensations in his fingers but the doctor said that a bit of acupuncture might sort that out?? . He left then but said he would be cumin back soon. By the way, Bro had  some good news driving to Christies today, the Macmillan nurses had sorted out his illness payments and he now could buy some clothes and pay his rent, which should stop the bay leafs from paying him a visit. Think he still gets his Celery as well so he is quids in. Thanks shallot!!   Anyway its an hour into his treatment and  Bro is smelling like  a wonderful aroma of liver and onions,  (which is better that the smell of shit that he usually smells like since he had his bag put on) so i guess the onions might be working. Rebeccas trying to get Jeremy Kyle on the telly but it isn’t working so we have to settle for a little music...Herb Alpert..mmmmm??? Dont think so, thats better Bee Gees, Chive Talking...a classic. Bros had no appetite now for 3 months and me and Rebeccas starving now THAT the room smells like Witherspoons Kitchen , so while Bro goes to take a leek we scoffs his dinner between us ( told big sis that Bro ate it though) However Christine my lovely wife had took  Bro a meal round  for when he got home that night, soft slowly cooked pasta, the finest petite pois ,  finely diced soya flakes, a beautiful chicken stock marinade, finely seasoned with fresh basil and mixed herbs, all he has to do is fill with water to the line and add the soya sauce. Bros fell asleep now me and Rebeccas bored shitless, the music is still on and the nurse Arty Choke says he will lettuce turnip the beet a little. Bro is still in a vegetated state. While we are on the subject i hear Tesco are crapping themselves again because traces of wheelchair have been found in their vegetable soup. I hope Bro comes out of his vegetated state,  he has to come back tomarrow to have some more treatment.  Sis has told me his ankles are now swelling up and i fear he might be slowly rooting himself to his sofa..Lazy Not so fat fooker!!!

Chemo Charlie update

Well the now  not so fat fooker has been at it again, causing us no end of worry and grief. He has not been able to lift his backside off the sofa for 3 weeks now, telling us he has the most distressing pains in his bottom. He has become totally drug dependant and his coffee table looks like Bury Pharmacy on Methadone day. He has been taking, Morphine Pethadine ,  Serotine , Flupertine antitriptyline to name just a few,  in an effort to keep the pain at bay (soft git). I  am sure if he takes half an aspirin the pain will go. Anyhow this drug dependency has got him slightly hooked and he has had a dealer coming round each week to supply him with all manner of stuff. It is costing him a small fortune buying cannabis, but as always it is the family who it all lands on and in an effort to keep costs to a minimum sister Sue has got hubby Ste to set up a cannabis growing area on their  th’lottment.  It is quite good,  in a darkened greenhouse on Bamford road underneath the glare of the  3000kw left corner flag floodlight of Heywood Sports Centre all weather pitch, the plants are thriving.  Bamford Road now  however  smells like an Amsterdam Coffee shop and when a North Easterly wind blows Morrisons and Dunnes are frequented by all manner of strange characters. It is all a bit worrying for us. We have gone through 67 cans of fabreeze in bros flat spraying constantly before the visits of Doctors and Mcmillan nurses, it is costing us a small fortune and the not so fat fooker is still saying his arse is hurting. I have nothing against drugs myself, i did have a friend who got in trouble for taking an E once , but i think that the security staff on Countdown were being a bit over reactive. Mum has  tried to help in her sort of way by buying him a pencil from the pound shop in Heywood and down it is printed TOO COOL TO DO DRUGS,  however he had sharpened it though when i went round and it now said COOL TO DO DRUGS..!!  Anyhow on Thursday Sister Babs took him to Christies for a meeting with his consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti, Bro said they could go there on his pink dragon but Babs said they could go in her car. Well they finally arrived at  Christies  and  while bro was chatting to Barney And Fireman Sam in the waiting room whilst a bald headed kid played dot to dot on his drug induced spotty head, sister Babs was going to speak to Mustapha Lukatfatti about her  worry about Bros inability to get mobile and her worries about deep veined thrombosis. She told Mustapha that she thinks Bro should be wearing compression stockings but she did not know where to get them. Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti suggested Boots. We had already tried them though without success though, and Bro did look a Twa* wearing wellingtons  lied on the sofa.  Babs also mentioned bros drug problem and the fact he wasn’t eating, and he had no money for the rent, his kids no longer come to see him, he had lost his job. Mr Lukatfatti suggested a drugs programme.” Methadone” said Babs ,” No!! Jeremy Kyle” said  Mr Lukatfatti.  “Perhaps there is a need to see a pain management consultant” said  Mr Lukatfatti .  To which sister replied  “ Can i come another day to see one when bros not here” ......... “ I  mean for the fat fooker to see” said Mustapha. So off they went to see one,   a Mr Ed Skillin in the out patients department. The first thing was to identify the type of pain and he asked Bro what it was like. Bro described it as Acheypainy  (what the fook is acheypainy ???) A kind of numb stabbing pain he went on to say..????  Ed Skillin brought out a pain chart numbered 1 t0 10 with the type of pain described for each number and asked Bro what he would say his was,  on the chart 1 being the pain felt by a little pinch of the skin up to 10 being the pain felt by being  hit by a double decker bus. “ 3 and ½” said bro. So here we was with Bro in a drug induced semi comatose state brought on by taking a cocktail of various drugs to help combat a pain that measured 3 and ½ on the pain Richter scale which was somewhere slap bang in the middle of a paper cut to the index finger and standing on a lego brick when you get out of bed!! THE BIG SOFT NOT SO  FAT FOOKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well its been almost a year since we started this blog and this is now our 100th post. Bro is still battling hard and we still will be battling when we reach 200 posts. We have had a lot of laughs along the way and although it is difficult to laugh sometimes we have kept trying all the time to not let things get us down. I have not written a chemo update for a while because bro was getting over his operation and he might have burst his stitches if he were to laugh too much.I will wait while he has fully recovered and continue the updates. Any how here is an update of his treatment.......
Bro went to Christies again yesterday for another batch of chemotherapy treatment. he has lost over 4 stone now and his consultant has told him that he has to get some weight back on and start eating again. he may have to have some injections in his spine to numb some nerves in his bottom because the tumour is now pressing on them and giving him a lot of pain. His morphine has been upped and he is to see a pain management consultant and hopefully this may help a little. he seems to have his battle head on again and does not appear to be as down in the dumps(not surprisingl;y) as he was a week or two ago. I am a little worried about mum and dad at the moment because i can see they are extremely worried and with them being in their 80's i think we will have to keep a close eye on them.The battle continues and to be honest all the family have been a bit down over the last couple of weeks and we have all said things in anger and flustration to one another, such is this bloody disease and the effects it has on everyone. Battle scarred we all maybe but family and friends are still here and still fighting. Look out cancer we are still gonna get you!!!!

Bros been not too well for the last few weeks and so it was nice on his daughter rebeccas birthday that all the kids got together at his flat for a little birthday bash.....here he is with from left to right....joe,william,bro,rebecca and charles...lovely pic....now get that birthday cake eaten bro...your getting too thin!!!

Bros not really been doing very well since his chemo last friday. he finds it difficult to sit down because of the soreness after his operation. He has not sleeping very well at the moment. it is only the last two weeks that he has seemed really depressed and cannot raise a smile which is not like him. His mouth has all ulcerated and he is having difficulty in eating, and with him having very little appetite at the moment he is losing weight quite dramatically .
I am hoping that his spirits are lifted this weekend because his lovely girlfriend Sarah is coming up from the midlands for the weekend. She is such a positive person and she practices various relaxation techniques. i am sure this will help bro through his depression.
I cant wait to have the happy smiling bro back that i love to laugh with.

BROS BEEN BACK TO CHRISTIES TODAY FOR THE RESULTS OF HIS SCAN. HE IS SUFFERING A LOT AT THE MOMENT. HE HAS LOST OVER 3 STONE IN LITTLE MORE THAN 6 WEEKS AND HE DOES NOT LOOK WELL AT ALL. HE IS NOT EATING AND HAS LITTLE OR NO ENERGY AT ALL. ANYHOW THE SCAN SHOWED THE TUMOURS ON HIS LIVER HAVE GROWN SIGNIFICANTLY AND THAT IS THE REASON HE IS SO ILL...CHEMOTHERAPY TO START TOMORROW AND MORE IN TWO WEEKS AND IF NO IMPROVEMENT IS SEEN THEN NOTHING ELSE CAN BE DONE. WORRYING TIMES FOR US ALL, BUT WE ARE A STRONG FAMILY AND MY BRO HAS THE MOST AMAZING GROUP OF FRIENDS THAT YOU COULD IMAGINE, IF IT WAS NOT FOR HIS KIDS, HIS FAMILY AND HIS FRIENDS THE BATTLE WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER A LONG TIME AGO. HIS KIDS AND THEIR MUM ADELE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL TODAY WITH HIM, AND WITH THEM WITH HIM HE WILL KEEP BATTLING. ITS SAD TO SEE BRO SO THIN AND GAUNT BUT WE WILL GET HIM BACK TO HIS OLD SELF. WE ALL LOVE YOU BRO.XX

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Chemo Charlie update.

Well it has been a bit since I posted an update on that bro of mine and things have changed so fast over the last few weeks, bro has gone from being totally dependent on facebook to not visiting it at all, as most of you will have noticed. This is because 3 weeks ago his fingers were so fat that they kept hitting more than one kjey  asnd hgis sdatusdes wqere resally doifficultr tpo rtead, and his B and his N being together was causing him nigger and nigger problems withj eachj sdatus upodate. Anyhow he started to work out daily at the gym and he was losing half a pound a day....because his sausage fingers couldn’t get the 50p back out of the locker. He also did do a marathon in 4 hours, he would have done it in a fraction of the time if his fat fingers could have got the wrapper off. Well in a desperate frame of mind ( and  i do blame myself for his mental distress somewhat by keep calling him a fat fooker) he spoke to his consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti to ask for a solution to his dilemma. He suggested a gastric band, well more like a fan belt of a 747 to be honest. Bro had it fitted 3 weeks ago and he is a changed man. His confidence has returned and he has joined a dating agency Skinny Date.com. His first date was the other night with a redheaded girl the name of Anna Rexik,  the  dating agency rung to ask if she was a match?? She certainly looked like one !! I met her at bros briefly and when I was going I said “cheerio” and she said No Thanks i have already eaten. Bro is going down the same path and has not eaten for 3 weeks,  I threw my arms around him before I left and punched myself in both  kidneys. Mums getting stressed about his weight loss and says he cannot tell his arse from his elbow at the minute. The neighbours have complained because they heard him and Anna Rexic having sex last night and said it sounded like a skeleton having a wank in an empty biscuit tin. Not to mention the fact that they might start a fire. I tried to sit them down to try to talk some sense into them both but I felt I was clutching at straws. Anyhow he said he would chew it over. Over the weeks though I have been seeing less and less of him and I do agree with mum and i do  feel guilty that I am to blame for the condition he finds himself in. I have been to the doctors to try and get bro something and the doctor has given me this one big green pill and told me to tell bro to take it 4 times a day. Bros going on facebook and hopes he gets some feedback. Mr Mustapha has a colleague at Christies who deals in eating disorders a lady the name of Bingita,   but  bro couldn’t make the appointment because something came up. What with his bowel problems and his bulimia, it is a right pain in the arse, he is getting sick of it. I do miss that fat fooker of a bro of mine with his big fat belly and his three chins, i wish he would get back to his fat self......mum and sisters are saying it is all my fault he is in this condition which is why i haven’t done an update for so long........my biggest nightmare is that he may resort to something drastic and.....ask for his old clothes back that he gave me years ago when he ballooned....THIN T***.!!!!!

took Bro a gingerbread man to hospital to cheer him up.

Bro feeling a tad delicate after his operation but nurse teddy was tending to him. Love You Bro.xx

Bro with his friend Ann in hospital when he managed to get up for the first time.

Mum visiting bro in hospital after his operation

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Got this for Bro, he wont drink it because its not diet coke but he does like the botte.

Bro is still a bit drowsy after his operation the colostomy bag is now fitted and hopefully he will feel tons better for it. the tumour stopped the three stents he had put in from working and the better option was to have  a bag....So i think its upwards and onwards  from now...i do love the little fat fooker!!!!!

Well it been a topsy turvy week for my bro, last Friday he was in Christies ordering cream teas and 3 course lavish lunches on his private medical insurance, and seven days later he is just had his arse operated on by the good old National Health..And my god has he done some moaning about it!!!!    

The trouble was his private medical insurance was only turd farty and did not cover him for  any abdomen work. He was supposed to have his operation on Thursday but when they came to take him to theatre on the trolley he did not have a pound or a token for it so it had to be postponed till he got some change.  Anyhow I went to see him Thursday before his operation and he looked quite well. I took the time to look at the log at the end of his bed  and thought i had better get a nurse to clean that up because it was a bit smelly. Any way he finally went to theatre and had his colostomy bag fitted.  Bro had already chose the bag he was having it was the Mass Storage bag (M and S bag)

but due to his lack of insurance he had to have the National Heath Type which was the  After Loading Dietary Intake bag  (ALDI bag) a yellow and blue bag that gets filled really quickly.

Well he finally got back on the ward and he was still moaning that he hadn’t got a private room. I, on the other hand, thought it was a nice ward with about 6 people in. There was a Rumanian in the bed to his right who was having a penis extension on the National   Health, “Bloody Rumanians coming over here pinching our knobs” bro said. There was a guy in the bed across who had just received a prostethic  foot, unfortunately they had made it into a left instead of a right and he now had two left feet, he had started to sue the National health but had been going round in circles for months.

 A nurse Kath Eter came in to put something in Bros Bladder  and she was telling us how the National health service had improved since David Cameron had got rid of the imbalances in the service  “ How do people get to hospital now then “??? Said bro . (thick Fooker!!)     “Yes and they  are putting a charge on the defibrillators   from now on and the  Self Harm unit has been really badly  affected by the cuts.   Still not all the patients are having a problem with the NHS, there is a chap to bros left who has been in for two months waiting for a cataract operation and he cannot see a problem  with them.

Well enough said about the NHS....some good news there is a man in bed 5 with a metal arm and he was telling Bro that he could now enter the Paralympics because of his ALDI bag. He himself was a contestant in the 2012 games in London winning a gold in the Javelin only to lose it for testing positive for WD 40, and the gold medal was awarded to the Chinese contestant Wan Lim Gon, China also getting the silver and bronze medals with Fut Long Tong  and  Sim Pal Twat, however Sim  gave up his medal when he found there was no chocolate in it.

Bro asked him how he had got into the Paralympics  and he said “just by accident..........a fekin bus run me over”....Well  i think  Bro fancies trying for gold in the next games. He thinks the bag will not cause a hindrance to him if he plays for England at Bowls in the next games. Although if it is at altitude the fat fooker might float away... anyhow I have been watching it on tv to try to help bro in his quest for a place in the team....a few of our swimmers look a bit rusty, so there might be a place there, and the hundred metres hurdles for deaf people was nothing to watch because no one set off....i am sure we will find something for him though.

In Conclusion I cannot find one thing wrong with the National Health Service because my fekin fat Fooker of a brother of mine went in a week ago down in the dumps and feeling really ill and no appetite, and today he is back to his normal self with a big beaming smile on his face and 5 rashers of bacon 4 sausage, 3 eggs, beans ,mushrooms, tomatoes, blackpudding, Fried bread, toat and marmalade, and a diet coke in front of him. Nice to see. 

Bros feeling really down in the dumps. He was to have a colostomy bag fitted which would hopefully stop these really bad cramping pains he is having. However it was cancelled due to the increased size of his tumours in his bowel and liver. They inserted a stent into his bowel last Friday in the hope that this would allow him some relief. They then cancelled his chemotherapy treatment on Wednesday because it would appear the stent has not been successful and bro is feeling rather ill at the moment. They now say the blockage must be in another part of the bowel and plan to fit another stent in further up the bowel. Meanwhile its enema after enema and none being at all successful at the moment, he is feeling rather down at the moment so its difficult to cheer him up at the minute. His girlfriend is coming from the Midlands today so that might cheer him up a bit. He has not been eating the last month and now has lost over two stone in the last month. Anyway its Friday and i have finished work so i am going to do everything i can this weekend to make my bro laugh. Keep you posted on any developments....Here is a pic of me trying to kill him in Christies last week

I got him a useful gift for when the shit hits the fan so to speak and his bowels finally move

It’s been a really poignant and emotional week with the fat fooker. He has lost something that’s been a part of both our lives since we were kids.....His Arsehole...Yes memories from our childhood...when he would shit in the bath, and ask mum why she had got brown soap....Then his teenage years when he would throw his skiddlies up to the ceiling and if they came down he would put them on and if they stuck he would  get a clean pair.....Then into adult when he would stop at the 9^th tee on Springfield park  where he would always stop and squeeze a steamer out behind the big tree there, and wipe his arse on a dock leaf.....so many memories.......And we drove home in an eerie silence from Christies I’m sure we both were reliving these memories.....A tear filled my eye and I had to have some respite from my sad thoughts and my finger slowly turned the radio on ....the song  was Where Do You Go To My Lovely...by  Peter Sarstedt.....and I found myself gently singing the lyrics..and thinking of my bottomless brother next to me.......I would like to share them with you all

You have a bag from your belly..And you fill it 7 times a week

Your clothes are all made of polythene In case you get a slight leak. Yes they are!!

You live in a fancy apartment. With En suite every room,

Where you would sit for hours on your toilet that you used to call the log flume, yes you do.

But where do you go now, fat fooker

When you wanting to smear the bowl

Cos I cannot really see any reason.

Now you have not got an arse hole. No you’ve not

You went to Christies on Friday..And they have taken your entire crack

But you are really inventive, fat boy ..It makes a lovely toast rack..Yes it does

I have seen the prognosis from Christies..From your consultant Mustapha Lukatfatti

And he said you won’t poo any meatballs...More like duck liver pate...yes he did

But where do you go now fat fooker

When you want to park the brown sedan

Now it all comes from out of your belly

There’s no need to go to the can..No there’s not

I am putting your toilet on eBay...Its size..Triple xxx

With a towel holder thrown in for good measure..And an half used roll of Andrex..Yes I have

Remember the back alleys of Heywood..Where you have taken many a drunken dump

Well you don’t have to hide now fat bro..Cos you no longer have any rump...no you don’t

And when you go on your summer vacation ...At de hotel Cala Gran

And don’t pop the bag on a pebble..And get a lovely false tan..On your legs and on your back...

But where do you go to fat fooker

Because me..It really does confound...

And tell me if you’re gonna fart fat boy

Because  I do not want to be around..........na,na,,aa,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,

Chemo Charlie Update

Well Bro went in yesterday  to have the bag fitted at Christies, in an attempt to bypass the bowel that had become heavily blocked with his not so good friend Billy tumour. The surgeon who was performing the operation said to me that he had seen my updates and thought on this occasion that due the embarrassing nature of the operation  could I not do an update on this part of his treatment.........AS  IF!!!....(That was the name of the surgeon) Of course I won’t!!! So I’m sorry folks I have to keep facts to a minimum I don’t want to upset ASIF on account that he was working Saturday to do the operation which he doesn’t normally do, but he was getting time and a turd and a day in loo for his troubles .Bro was only having local anaesthetic so I managed to take him some music to listen too to take his mind off the op....Ella Fitzgerald’s greatest shits., and because there was a TV in the theatre I took a couple of DVDs...Forest Dump and Sleeping with the Enema, I also took the diarrhoea of Anne Frank for him to read post op. The nurse came to give bro some sedatives to relax him a lovely lady named  Di O’Rea. The anaesthetist Kurt Short came into to stick a needle in Bro and off we went. I wasn’t sure about the procedure so I asked ASIF  what it entailed and he explained that Bros arsehole was closed and  two tubes were inserted into both his abdomen (a long one will be needed for that fat fooker), and one inserted into his voice box(for the shit  that comes from there) and these are then fed to a bag which somewhat resembles a Farm Foods boil in the bag Chicken tikka Masala when in full operation. There are 2 ways of sealing the bowel one is Zip fastener but has a side effect of causing nipping of the testicular region and Velcro which can sometimes lead to you not being able to remove oneself from the sofa (bro chose the velcro option because his arse is somewhat stuck to the sofa for many hours anyway).  Asif now asked bro to choose the type of bag which he would like and it could be customised and personalised to his requirements, for example Jane Goody chose a colourful one which came to be known as the Goody bag, the great composer Frederic Chopin chose one with handles which became known as the Chopin bag, and The celebrities Brooke Shields, Sean Connery and Mr T, sponsored the development of a new one called The Brook Bond T bag. There was the basic option of the Portable Operational Orifice....in short the Poo bag as a cheaper option. You could also have it sponsored by a company and a logo or picture printed on it, and bro is going to ask Warburton’s if he can have Soft Brown Farmhouse printed on it. Bro also will have to get measured for new shoes which will accommodate a few kilos of sand which will have the effect of ballast in anchoring the fat fooker down when he lets out a series of farts into the bag and therefore stop him from floating away. Anyway he successfully had it fitted and me and my little dog Ricco went to Christies this morning to pick him up, it was a little embarrassing cos he shit in the corridor, but I’m sure he will get used to the bag soon....I was utterly lost for turds......anyway I can’t publish this guys so I will just post it on bros face book alone.......???? I can’t get used to these privacy settings???

Bro had some bad news at the weekend. The results of his scan show that in spite of the chemotherapy treatment he has had, the tumors on his bowel and liver have grown considerably. He is going to Christies to see the consultant tomorrow and even though he was to have a 3 month break from chemotherapy treatment it does look like he might be back on it sooner.
 These are worrying times for bro and his family but we are all still trying to keep upbeat and positive. It has come as a real blow to us the latest news, but we are all behind bro. Got to get the chemo charlie update ready for his next batch.....keep him laughing....Thanks to alol who read the blog...i hope i can give better news next time...

I am not a churchgoer as such but yesterday i found myself at St Josephs in Heywood for our little Hannahs Christening. it was a short service and although i listened to every word i didn,t take the spiritual side in as much as i should have i suppose. Anyway at the end my little grandson Joe came to me and said "grandad do you know someone who is ill who i can light a candle for" i looked and said "yes your Uncle john is ill you could light one for him". "I did that when i got here" "do you know anyone else?
Now i had a splinter in my hand and it had become infected and everyone at church had said i should go to hospital and get it treated. it was very sore. i said to joe "you could light one for my hand" and he did. Later that day i had a phone call from bro, who told me he had received some bad news from the consultants and was to see them later this week, i did think the candle was a waste of time.........i woke up today and my infection was gone from my hand......coincidence ...probably....but i would dearly like to hang on to the fact that joes little candle did the trick, and i no longer doubt the fact that probably someone up there is watching over us and despite all the bad news everything works all right in the end. Thanks for the candles Joe.....Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof...

OU HAVE CANCER

Those dreaded words that so many people these day hear,
And suddenly a life of fun and laughter turns to one of dread and fear,
Confidence, invincibility, is replaced by a feeling of being scared,
The unknowing will eat at you, and for that, no one can be prepared
Bitterness and anger will try to make you a person you are not,
Your old self was happy and vibrant, how soon you have forgot.
Your energy has gone. You feel lonely. No future lies ahead,
Hanging on dreaded words, consultants and doctors have said.
Depression takes over. Sorrow and anxiety rule your mind,
The old you has gone, abandoned, left so far behind.
Life is cruel. You say, Why me?? You question all the time
What have I done to deserve this? Have I committed some sacred crime?
The memory of happy times pains the mind, of what seems an age gone by
Sadness, sorrow, darkness, and sometimes, on your own you cry.
Isolated, alone, and yet there are a million more,
Will you ever be again……..as you were before?
And yet…..
There is a chance i might not make it. But there is a chance i will
There is still so much to live for, some dreams I need to fulfil.
People will smile though they hurt, and hide feelings of despair,
And only me and me alone can smile, a smile for them to share
I am not weak or fragile. With oh so many friends,
I am looking for new beginnings and do not think of any ends.
My mind is strong. Yes, stronger than this disease will know,
And able, with a laugh, I can take all that it can throw.
I feel normal, I have come to terms, I am ready for a fight.
The future is not dark. Friends and family provide a light.
I have a sense of calm. On this journey that I travel
And who knows. What marvels and wonders may unravel
I am grateful, appreciative, of each kind word of love,
Of every prayer and message that’s sent to god above.
And yes I will be as I was, with a future and a life to live
And a heart that still beats. With love, so much to give.

I WROTE THIS FOR A VERY DEAR FRIEND OF OURS WHO HAD DIED OF CANCER ...SHE REALLY WAS SPECIAL

SOMEONE SPECIAL 

Someone, who made me laugh with the stories that she told.
Under a hard outer shell, someone who had a heart of gold.
Someone, so upright, strong, and someone ever proud,
And someone, who never failed to stand out in a crowd.
Not ever sad. But someone who smiled away those last few years,

And someone who would say. “You can all just put away those tears!”
Not someone, who ever thought the world owed her anything at all,
No…. someone who smiled, laughed, and waited for the lord to call.

Feelings that I cant express, of someone who gave such pleasure,
Life ebbed away. Memories stay. Of someone who was such a treasure.
Even now, someone I know, is close, and will always be near,
Maybe someone will make me smile, gently whispering in my ear
I know that someone, is now filling angels hearts with laughter
Now that someone rests peacefully in the land hereafter.
God bless you Susan. Someone who was so special ……

To my friend Susan Ann Fleming

Chemo charlie update

Well what a few days i have had with that bro of mine he doesn’t half cause me some grief. I came back from my hols a few days earlier than bro and left him enjoying himself for another week. He has only been out of my sight for a few days and already hes lost something and altough he has looked everywhere he cannot find it anywhere.It wouldnt be so bad but he has had it for over 50years and he has always had it with him, he has never gone anywhere without it not even to bed.. What is it?? His APPETITE!!! Yes somewhere during our holidays, or after, he has lost it and he is devestated. Now he had it the morning before we went on  holiday because i went to the doctors with him because he had some stomach cramps, The doctor asked him what he had eaten the day before and bro replied 3 sausage rolls 2 bacon and egg mcmuffins 2 mars bars 3 packets of crisps, chicken chow mein, pudding and chips with gravy, 3 cheese toasties, 4 donuts , 2 choc ices  and a diet coke. The doctor took a look at his belly and said that the cramps were probably because he was hungry!! So he must have had it on holiday. Now Babs our sis is sure he had it with him the Monday morning when we travelled down, because he had 3 wetabix with berries...Cad berries..  and poached egg on toast and a bowl full of porridge with honey  before we left her house at 10am and he still wanted to stop for a bacon roll at mcdonalds before the 11am cut off for breakfast , so he had it then. Now my investigations have found that he may have lost it on the Friday i came home because he met a lady called Laura and she told me that she asked him if he fancied some egg and bacon for breakfast and he had replied “No the viagra he was taking had  took the edge off his appetite” At lunchtime she asked him again if he fancied a burger or sandwich or sausage roll or something, and he had replied ” No i think the Viagra has taken the edge of my appetite” she asked him agaiin at dinnertime if he fancied a pizza or fish and chips”No i think the viagra has taken the edge of my appetite” . Anyway she told me that eventually she had to tell him to get off cos she was fekin starving!!! ! So its a little non conclusive that. So i might have to trace his steps a bit further than that. Now im not sure if he had it in the caravan on the Thusday because there was a box of Pringles on the table and he didnt eat any, but that might of been the fact that he couldnt get his chubby fekin hands in the tube.!! Now he did tell me that he was trying to lose about 2 stone while he was on holiday and that was going well because just before i left he weighed himself and he only had 3 stone to go. So from that i can deduct that he lost his appetite after i left him. Ive looked in my case and i cant see it there, so i didnt pack it by mistake. Babs says it wasnt in her case. She tells me that he had it in Wolverhampton on the Monday because he went to weight watchers with her and he dropped a bag of mlatesers on the floor and she had laughed because she said it was like the human version of the Hungry Hippos game, so he had it then. I asked him if he looked in his pockets for it and he said he has emptied them and all there is is 45 empty chocolate eclair wrappers 3 twix papers 6 crisp packets, and a packet of Rennies.So i am continuing the search for Bros appetite. He is not the same person since he lost it. If any one has seen it or has any information that may lead us to its whereabouts we would be grateful for any leads. I think we will lose the fat fooker if it isnt found soon and got back to him......

Well we have just come back from a week in Exmouth. Me and bro and sister Babs and her hubbyRichard  went ( they just came to keep a watchful eye over me and bro to make sure we did not get up to anything).
I don't think the four of us have ever laughed so much in our lives as we have done last week and we had a fantastic time. Bro tired somewhat so he found it difficult to walk and gaze at the beautiful landscape of the Jurassic coastline. He did however manage to walk to numerous Burger Bars and Pasty shops (fat fooker)

Although he managed to eat a little, his appetite is not what it used to be and he is losing a little weight and although he could probably do with losing a stone or to, it is nevertheless a little worrying. he tired a lot through the day and i think the chemotherapy over the last few months has taken its toll. His tumour markers had risen prior to our holiday and he goes back on the 1st July to see whats happened.. We will have to wait and see.

I think it might be a good idea to get him enrolled in a gym to take some light exercise. He is a little lazy at the moment and found it difficult on holiday to get himself from  the sofa to the kitchen sink. Lazy fat fooker!!!

A seagull drew this one!!

We did nevertheless have a wonderful time and the sun shone throughout!!

Myself with bro and our sister Babs!!

Bro up to no good again

Fat Lazy Fooker!!!

BRO HAD TO SPEND A NIGHT IN CHRISTIES THIS WEEK DUE TO SOME SIDE EFFECTS FROM THE CHEMOTHERAPY. HIS TUMOUR MARKERS ARE UP WHICH IS WORRYING BUT TOMORROW WE ARE GOING AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS TO EXMOUTH FOR A WELL EARNED BREATHER FROM ALL THIS. I HOPE ITS SUNNY COS ME AND MY BRO ARE LIVING THE DREAM FOR A WEEK!!!! KEEP YOU POSTED ABOUT WHAT WE GOT UP TO....

Chemo Charlie Update.
Bro went for his Chemotherapy treatment on Thursday and is feeling a little under the weather this weekend. This was his 7th and  last Chemo of his present batch and contrary to what I thought Christies have not run out of money and Chemo fluid it is actually Bro who is stopping the treatment after his 7th batch,. Why?? Because of the extreme side effects you might say? Because an alternative treatment you might ask? Because the Tumours have disappeared you might hope?? No!! None of these.
 Because the fat fooker  has a fear of the number 8.  Octophobia as it is medically known as. Yes, there is no way that Bro is having Chemo no8 Because of his Phobia to the number 8. This is the story of how it all began…………It was the 8th August and Bro was 8 years old. It was a very hot  that day, 88 degrees  in the shade. Bro was at Magdala St school in the infants, class 8. It was playtime and outside the school the chimes of an ice cream van could be heard playing that long loved nursery rhyme Diddle Diddle Dumpling my bro John (or something like that), well when the Chubby fooker (as he was known in them days) heard this he searched in his pocket and found 88pence that he had saved from taking sterilised milk bottles back to the shop. He was saving it for 88 arrow bars on the way home, but the smell of Mr Whippy was so appealing to the Chubby fooker it was too good to resist. Now children were not allowed out of school and the gates were always locked. Bro decided he could sneak through the railings and be back before anyone noticed (thick chubby fooker). Anyhow, he managed to get his head through although he had to force his chubby cheeks somewhat, and then he started to slowly squeeze through the railings, the queue at the ice cream van was getting smaller and sweat started to roll down bros chins and his heart pumped faster and he squeezed and squeezed until the Chubby Fooker got himself stuck half in and half out. Well pandemonium broke out and the dinner ladies (bros favourite teachers) tried in vain but could not budge him. Heywood fire Brigade where called, but they were busy taking part representing Heywood in an It’s a Knockout semi final, the dinner ladies had some custard left from dinner and they tried greasing bro with it to slide him out but as fast as they coated him, the faster he was licking it off and getting more and more stuck . The fire brigade arrived  8 hours and 8 minutes later. They finally cut the chubby fooker out. Well he now looked like a number 8!!! We are still in touch with the ex fireman

who sawn him out George Astric, who through this event had the idea and went on to be famous as the inventor of the Gastric Band. Anyhow to move on, we tried everything to try and make bro look like another number but he always looked like a number 8. The other kids would mock him and shout “Who eight all the pies Chubby”) We sent him to eightwatchers to no avail. We put an eight chart in his bedroom to measure it, but he never changed. He was blighted throughout his childhood, not being able to go on rides at the fun fair because of eight restrictions, If he had looked like any other number he would have looked different when he looked in the mirror, but number 8 he always looked the same, we thought of having surgery but the best we could hope for was to turn the Fat fooker( by this time he had outgrown his chubby image) into two threes. He eighted what he looked like. He would have given anything to look like the big fat 0 that he used to be.
He eventually did expand himself out of his no 8 shape with a diet of Big Macs Chinese takeaways, and diet cokes of course, but not before the events of his childhood had left their marks on him. That’s why he says he is missing Chemo number 8, but the thick fat fooker says he is ok to have number 9!!!!