Its been a strange couple of weeks with bro. He joined the terminally ill dating website . MATCH MADE FOR HEAVEN.COM, and he had his first date on Tuesday at Christies…..Spoke to his consultant Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti and he has told us that bros fat growth on his left side isn’t a tumour but an Hernia……..Some strange but good news on Thursday at bros chemo……his bowel constipation has actually been retified..after removing an haemorrhoid and discovering it was half a walnut…further investigations revealed that it was a walnut whip that was blocking bros bowel…fat fooker…so that’s sorted….Also some strange news about his seventeen liver tumours…after further investigation under a cat scan machine, and everyone wondering why the tumours were all different colours….it came to light that when the largest of the tumours was analysed and a letter P was on it ..it became evident that the tumours were actually Smarties and the large one was the lid of the tube….Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti asked me how they got there and after asking bro it was clear he got them from his first date……..to be continued……
Chemo Charlie update PART 2 (how the smarties and the walnut whip got there)
Sung by that renowned comedian Menny Pill
Titled Hernia ( and he drove the slowest bread van in the west)
You can hear the ground a quaking and there isn’t any mistaking
And a wobble of his chins, and a lot of belly shaking
As he marched right in to Christies, his port sewn in his chest
His name was HERNIA, and he drove the slowest bread van in the west
Now Hernia was meeting a lady there, a girl, name of, Faye Slift
She was off the breast ward on floor 2, and she thought she was gods gift
I thought she was too good for Hernia, but bald, with poxy skin,
But Hernia got his Crumpet there…and his Thick and Thin
She said she’d like to share his drip, he said , alright my sweet
So he attached two tubes to his arms, then attached two on her feet
She said Oh Hernia, this is love, I hope it never ends,
But Hernia came up for air too fast and got the fekin bends
And that made me say Knob head!!!!….. Knob head……
And he drove the slowest bread van in the west
Now Hernia had a rival, with a toupee on his top
Called Mr Wayne Dwops, Cancer stage 5, and he owned a toffee shop,
He tempted her with his M and M’s, and she nibbled at his Crunchies
And when he dropped his Snickers to his feet, she had the fekin Munchies
She almost fainted at his Freddo bars, and he said if you will be mine
You will get more than After Eight my dear, you will have a Treet at least of nine
He knew, once she tried his Pick n Mix, he could give her what she needed
And all Hernia had to offer was a Wholemeal Sesame Seeded
Poor Knob head!!!!…. Knob head……
And he drove the slowest bread van in the west
One chemo session Hernia saw, Waynes wheelchair by her curtain
It drove him crackers . Cos his love, was going for a Burton,
He flew up from his drip at once, and grabbed some surgical pliers
And he went right up to Waynes wheelchair and slashed both of his tyres
And that made me say Knob Head !!!…Knob head………..
And he drove the slowest bread van in the west
Now Hernia rushed out on the ward, a Milk Roll in his hand
If you want her, please be careful, she’s only got one gland
I know said Wayne. I felt it. I didn’t half feel a right tit
But that silicone felt okay on the left. I really have to admit.
Now Hernia wasn’t having that. He pulled Wayne from his chair
Hernia grabbed a Pitta Bread and Wayne a Chocolate Eclair
But Wayne he threw some Smarties and as Hernia gobbled the sweet
A Walnut whip caught Hernias chins and knocked him off his feet
Now Faye Slift ran between them, to try to keep them apart
But Wayne pushed her out the way, and Hernia did a chemo fart
And he sniffed up in pained surprise at the awful fooking smell
And an Aero bar hit him in the eye, and down poor Hernia fell.
Poor Knob head!!!!!…… Knob head…….
And he drove the slowest bread van in the west
Hernia was only 52..Awwweeee…..and he didn’t want to die….
And now he has gone delivering muffins to that Tesco in the sky
Where customers are angels, and you don’t need a trolley token
Eating heavenly takeaways ,all the time, though, the fat fookers heart is broken
But Wayne and Faye they tied the knot, and in their wedding bed
As she sucked on his Milky Bar and he slapped her shiny head
Was that the Sweet jars rattling or a rolling dip of Sherbert
Or Hernia with a Crusty….he,d come to watch!!!…The Pervert!!!!
They wont forget Hernia!!!!…….Hernia…..
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