CHEMO Charlie Update
Well I have had a busy week because my sister Barbara ( you know the posh one from the Midlands) asked me to speak to Bros consultant Mr Mustaph Lukatfatti to see about the possibility of us taking Bro on holiday some where. She asked me to choose somewhere to go that would suit bro, mmmmmm??? somewhere that would be ok for his condition. mmmmm???? She gave me a list of questions…such as insurance…. vaccinations… .flying…care on holiday…medicines etc so I went to see Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti last week at Christies. Anyhow talking to the consultant it did not seem to be a problem bro going on holiday, but he did suggest a late break might not be a good idea if we wanted bro to go with us.
The next point I raised was the insurance question and whether the costs would be extortionate given bros condition. Well it seems that there is some insurance that cancer sufferers can use and he gave me a booklet. The company was I.F.F.F.F.I.E Insurance.( which I assume stood for Insurance For Fat Fookers Flying In Europe) I will let Barbara have a look at the iffffie insurance. The next point I raised was the flight and what problems bro might have if it was quite a long one, Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti said that there may be some problems with the G.F.S.I.S, “G.F.S.I.S as in ….General Flight Standard Instructional System” I said ( appearing clever and not forgetting the topic of airports I chose when I was at school aged 11)…”No “ he said G.F.S.I.S as in …….Getting Fatties Stuck In Seats!!
Vaccinations however were not a problem, the consultant said that in bros condition contracting Malaria…Yellow Fever and Polio were the least of his worries. What if he needed to take something that he relied on and didn’t have any I asked. “ Pastel De Carne” he replied. “Is that Spanish for chemo pills” I asked. To which he replied “No its Spanish for Pie!!!”
SCOFF…is a scheme run by Christies … Specialised Care Of Fat Fookers and the scheme allows a person to be accompanied on holiday and have 24/7 care by a McMillan Nurse. Mr Mustapha Lukatfatti introduced us to one of these carers a lady named Mary Mee, although lady, not being the appropriate word as she had a slight goatie a faint moustache and hairy legs, I looked at the consultant and raised my eye brows and he advised me that Mary had been the recipient of a sex change and was previously a porter in the hospital going by the name of Adam Sapple. I thought there was Something About Mary so I now call her our Mat Dillon Nurse.
Well…Where can we go that would please bro??? A few Places spring to mind Turkey….Chile.. Hungary .. Could visit the Leaning Tower Of Pizza..lol….and if we stayed in England…..Maybe …Plumpton….Puddington in Devon…Mardy in Wales…. Broadbottom in Tameside…Eaton in Norfolk (and we could take in Pooley Street which is there but not Feltwell which is also there) Scofton in Nottinghamshire.. Pratts Bottom in London… South West maybe for Looe or Flushing in Cornwall ( there is by the way a Lavi in Israel so I will put that down as a maybe) Brobury in Herefordshire.. Sodbury in the Cotswolds…there is even a Bell end in Worcestershire…decisions decisions…….. TURKEY it is!! Anyhow I text Barbara and told her and she is a bit suspect about the ifffie insurance but everything else was great. However I text her telling her Turkey and not only does she talk posh but she reads texts posh too and she read Turkey As fookin TORQUAY!! And shes booked us in there….Probably in FAWLTY FOOKIN TOWERS!!!!Grrrhhhh. I have got to go and tell Mary Mee the Matt Dillon nurse who is coming with us that she wasted her time shaving her legs and her beard and all the sun cream she bought she wont need………..Jolly Hollys!!!!!
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