Got this for Bro, he wont drink it because its not diet coke but he does like the botte.

Bro is still a bit drowsy after his operation the colostomy bag is now fitted and hopefully he will feel tons better for it. the tumour stopped the three stents he had put in from working and the better option was to have  a bag....So i think its upwards and onwards  from now...i do love the little fat fooker!!!!!

Well it been a topsy turvy week for my bro, last Friday he was in Christies ordering cream teas and 3 course lavish lunches on his private medical insurance, and seven days later he is just had his arse operated on by the good old National Health..And my god has he done some moaning about it!!!!    

The trouble was his private medical insurance was only turd farty and did not cover him for  any abdomen work. He was supposed to have his operation on Thursday but when they came to take him to theatre on the trolley he did not have a pound or a token for it so it had to be postponed till he got some change.  Anyhow I went to see him Thursday before his operation and he looked quite well. I took the time to look at the log at the end of his bed  and thought i had better get a nurse to clean that up because it was a bit smelly. Any way he finally went to theatre and had his colostomy bag fitted.  Bro had already chose the bag he was having it was the Mass Storage bag (M and S bag)

but due to his lack of insurance he had to have the National Heath Type which was the  After Loading Dietary Intake bag  (ALDI bag) a yellow and blue bag that gets filled really quickly.

Well he finally got back on the ward and he was still moaning that he hadn’t got a private room. I, on the other hand, thought it was a nice ward with about 6 people in. There was a Rumanian in the bed to his right who was having a penis extension on the National   Health, “Bloody Rumanians coming over here pinching our knobs” bro said. There was a guy in the bed across who had just received a prostethic  foot, unfortunately they had made it into a left instead of a right and he now had two left feet, he had started to sue the National health but had been going round in circles for months.

 A nurse Kath Eter came in to put something in Bros Bladder  and she was telling us how the National health service had improved since David Cameron had got rid of the imbalances in the service  “ How do people get to hospital now then “??? Said bro . (thick Fooker!!)     “Yes and they  are putting a charge on the defibrillators   from now on and the  Self Harm unit has been really badly  affected by the cuts.   Still not all the patients are having a problem with the NHS, there is a chap to bros left who has been in for two months waiting for a cataract operation and he cannot see a problem  with them.

Well enough said about the NHS....some good news there is a man in bed 5 with a metal arm and he was telling Bro that he could now enter the Paralympics because of his ALDI bag. He himself was a contestant in the 2012 games in London winning a gold in the Javelin only to lose it for testing positive for WD 40, and the gold medal was awarded to the Chinese contestant Wan Lim Gon, China also getting the silver and bronze medals with Fut Long Tong  and  Sim Pal Twat, however Sim  gave up his medal when he found there was no chocolate in it.

Bro asked him how he had got into the Paralympics  and he said “just by accident..........a fekin bus run me over”....Well  i think  Bro fancies trying for gold in the next games. He thinks the bag will not cause a hindrance to him if he plays for England at Bowls in the next games. Although if it is at altitude the fat fooker might float away... anyhow I have been watching it on tv to try to help bro in his quest for a place in the team....a few of our swimmers look a bit rusty, so there might be a place there, and the hundred metres hurdles for deaf people was nothing to watch because no one set off....i am sure we will find something for him though.

In Conclusion I cannot find one thing wrong with the National Health Service because my fekin fat Fooker of a brother of mine went in a week ago down in the dumps and feeling really ill and no appetite, and today he is back to his normal self with a big beaming smile on his face and 5 rashers of bacon 4 sausage, 3 eggs, beans ,mushrooms, tomatoes, blackpudding, Fried bread, toat and marmalade, and a diet coke in front of him. Nice to see. 

Bros feeling really down in the dumps. He was to have a colostomy bag fitted which would hopefully stop these really bad cramping pains he is having. However it was cancelled due to the increased size of his tumours in his bowel and liver. They inserted a stent into his bowel last Friday in the hope that this would allow him some relief. They then cancelled his chemotherapy treatment on Wednesday because it would appear the stent has not been successful and bro is feeling rather ill at the moment. They now say the blockage must be in another part of the bowel and plan to fit another stent in further up the bowel. Meanwhile its enema after enema and none being at all successful at the moment, he is feeling rather down at the moment so its difficult to cheer him up at the minute. His girlfriend is coming from the Midlands today so that might cheer him up a bit. He has not been eating the last month and now has lost over two stone in the last month. Anyway its Friday and i have finished work so i am going to do everything i can this weekend to make my bro laugh. Keep you posted on any developments....Here is a pic of me trying to kill him in Christies last week

I got him a useful gift for when the shit hits the fan so to speak and his bowels finally move

It’s been a really poignant and emotional week with the fat fooker. He has lost something that’s been a part of both our lives since we were kids.....His Arsehole...Yes memories from our childhood...when he would shit in the bath, and ask mum why she had got brown soap....Then his teenage years when he would throw his skiddlies up to the ceiling and if they came down he would put them on and if they stuck he would  get a clean pair.....Then into adult when he would stop at the 9^th tee on Springfield park  where he would always stop and squeeze a steamer out behind the big tree there, and wipe his arse on a dock leaf.....so many memories.......And we drove home in an eerie silence from Christies I’m sure we both were reliving these memories.....A tear filled my eye and I had to have some respite from my sad thoughts and my finger slowly turned the radio on ....the song  was Where Do You Go To My Lovely...by  Peter Sarstedt.....and I found myself gently singing the lyrics..and thinking of my bottomless brother next to me.......I would like to share them with you all

You have a bag from your belly..And you fill it 7 times a week

Your clothes are all made of polythene In case you get a slight leak. Yes they are!!

You live in a fancy apartment. With En suite every room,

Where you would sit for hours on your toilet that you used to call the log flume, yes you do.

But where do you go now, fat fooker

When you wanting to smear the bowl

Cos I cannot really see any reason.

Now you have not got an arse hole. No you’ve not

You went to Christies on Friday..And they have taken your entire crack

But you are really inventive, fat boy ..It makes a lovely toast rack..Yes it does

I have seen the prognosis from Christies..From your consultant Mustapha Lukatfatti

And he said you won’t poo any meatballs...More like duck liver pate...yes he did

But where do you go now fat fooker

When you want to park the brown sedan

Now it all comes from out of your belly

There’s no need to go to the can..No there’s not

I am putting your toilet on eBay...Its size..Triple xxx

With a towel holder thrown in for good measure..And an half used roll of Andrex..Yes I have

Remember the back alleys of Heywood..Where you have taken many a drunken dump

Well you don’t have to hide now fat bro..Cos you no longer have any rump...no you don’t

And when you go on your summer vacation ...At de hotel Cala Gran

And don’t pop the bag on a pebble..And get a lovely false tan..On your legs and on your back...

But where do you go to fat fooker

Because me..It really does confound...

And tell me if you’re gonna fart fat boy

Because  I do not want to be around..........na,na,,aa,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,

Chemo Charlie Update

Well Bro went in yesterday  to have the bag fitted at Christies, in an attempt to bypass the bowel that had become heavily blocked with his not so good friend Billy tumour. The surgeon who was performing the operation said to me that he had seen my updates and thought on this occasion that due the embarrassing nature of the operation  could I not do an update on this part of his treatment.........AS  IF!!!....(That was the name of the surgeon) Of course I won’t!!! So I’m sorry folks I have to keep facts to a minimum I don’t want to upset ASIF on account that he was working Saturday to do the operation which he doesn’t normally do, but he was getting time and a turd and a day in loo for his troubles .Bro was only having local anaesthetic so I managed to take him some music to listen too to take his mind off the op....Ella Fitzgerald’s greatest shits., and because there was a TV in the theatre I took a couple of DVDs...Forest Dump and Sleeping with the Enema, I also took the diarrhoea of Anne Frank for him to read post op. The nurse came to give bro some sedatives to relax him a lovely lady named  Di O’Rea. The anaesthetist Kurt Short came into to stick a needle in Bro and off we went. I wasn’t sure about the procedure so I asked ASIF  what it entailed and he explained that Bros arsehole was closed and  two tubes were inserted into both his abdomen (a long one will be needed for that fat fooker), and one inserted into his voice box(for the shit  that comes from there) and these are then fed to a bag which somewhat resembles a Farm Foods boil in the bag Chicken tikka Masala when in full operation. There are 2 ways of sealing the bowel one is Zip fastener but has a side effect of causing nipping of the testicular region and Velcro which can sometimes lead to you not being able to remove oneself from the sofa (bro chose the velcro option because his arse is somewhat stuck to the sofa for many hours anyway).  Asif now asked bro to choose the type of bag which he would like and it could be customised and personalised to his requirements, for example Jane Goody chose a colourful one which came to be known as the Goody bag, the great composer Frederic Chopin chose one with handles which became known as the Chopin bag, and The celebrities Brooke Shields, Sean Connery and Mr T, sponsored the development of a new one called The Brook Bond T bag. There was the basic option of the Portable Operational Orifice....in short the Poo bag as a cheaper option. You could also have it sponsored by a company and a logo or picture printed on it, and bro is going to ask Warburton’s if he can have Soft Brown Farmhouse printed on it. Bro also will have to get measured for new shoes which will accommodate a few kilos of sand which will have the effect of ballast in anchoring the fat fooker down when he lets out a series of farts into the bag and therefore stop him from floating away. Anyway he successfully had it fitted and me and my little dog Ricco went to Christies this morning to pick him up, it was a little embarrassing cos he shit in the corridor, but I’m sure he will get used to the bag soon....I was utterly lost for turds......anyway I can’t publish this guys so I will just post it on bros face book alone.......???? I can’t get used to these privacy settings???

Bro had some bad news at the weekend. The results of his scan show that in spite of the chemotherapy treatment he has had, the tumors on his bowel and liver have grown considerably. He is going to Christies to see the consultant tomorrow and even though he was to have a 3 month break from chemotherapy treatment it does look like he might be back on it sooner.
 These are worrying times for bro and his family but we are all still trying to keep upbeat and positive. It has come as a real blow to us the latest news, but we are all behind bro. Got to get the chemo charlie update ready for his next batch.....keep him laughing....Thanks to alol who read the blog...i hope i can give better news next time...

I am not a churchgoer as such but yesterday i found myself at St Josephs in Heywood for our little Hannahs Christening. it was a short service and although i listened to every word i didn,t take the spiritual side in as much as i should have i suppose. Anyway at the end my little grandson Joe came to me and said "grandad do you know someone who is ill who i can light a candle for" i looked and said "yes your Uncle john is ill you could light one for him". "I did that when i got here" "do you know anyone else?
Now i had a splinter in my hand and it had become infected and everyone at church had said i should go to hospital and get it treated. it was very sore. i said to joe "you could light one for my hand" and he did. Later that day i had a phone call from bro, who told me he had received some bad news from the consultants and was to see them later this week, i did think the candle was a waste of time.........i woke up today and my infection was gone from my hand......coincidence ...probably....but i would dearly like to hang on to the fact that joes little candle did the trick, and i no longer doubt the fact that probably someone up there is watching over us and despite all the bad news everything works all right in the end. Thanks for the candles Joe.....Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof...