Its been a bit of a bad week for bro this week after his latest chemo but towards the end of the week he was feeling a bit better. I went to see him and when we were chatting we got on to the subject of funerals and what we both would want for ours. I was torn a little between a cremation and a burial, Bro was torn between two also….wait for it…are you ready….A fekin burial at sea….and a wish to be stuffed by a taxidermist and placed in a loved ones house…and he wasn’t joking either.
He didn’t want just his ashes sprinkling at sea, he was going the whole hog and wanted to be slid off a boat in all his splendour. And it wasn’t the actual sea he was thinking about, he had picked the place out already, the fekin Manchester to Leeds canal, a spot just outside Walsden. Apparently it was a place he used to stop at on his way home from Warbutons Bakery at Burnley, were he would sit on the bank of the canal and muse over the days Thick and Thin sliced production rates and digest articles from the Masterbakers weekly. It may have not been the most idyllic spot along the waterway and some nifty footwork was needed to avoid several dog deposits along the path, he had followed the worn out sign for Jetty, without his glasses he had thought is said Jelly…(fat fooker) in addition to this what made Fat boy chose this spot was the fact that there was a Georgie Porgies burger van parked on the lay-by, where he could get himself double cheeseburger and chips to put him on for the long drive to Smithy Bridge where his tea awaited him. Any way we phoned the waterways commission and we got a meeting to discuss his request. We had to go to the offices of T.W.A.T, the Todmorden Waterway Action Trust. The lady who was seeing us was called Ann Corr. She told us it was a request that she hadn’t dealt with before but she had looked into it and there were some obstacles in the way of our request. Firstly the water was only 3 ft deep in the chosen spot and she looked at fatboy and said even with his concrete boots and breezeblock collar, because of the size of his belly, she was sure his arse would pop out of the water and be the subject of humour from the kids of Walden infant school, and as well as that the older kids would go out and rub off the C’s of all the canal signs and they would all read ANAL and Walsden Anal society wouldn’t be happy at all. Turning the body over and it would just look like a bald snorkler and people would keep diving in because he wasn’t moving. As well as this there are some large undercurrents in the canal when Sowerby Bridge sluice gates are open and even attired in concrete its not out of the question that you could be washed down stream and you wouldn’t want to see your departed loved one sat in 3 feet of murky littered water in a shopping trolley at the Deeplish stretch.
She turned to me and said “your brother obviously has a background of a nautical type, which seas has sailed the most, is it the North sea…the Irish sea, or maybe further away like the Caspian sea?? No its quite near I said he mostly has frequented the K.F.C. She went on to say “but he must have a favourite boat”? “Yes” I replied “A gravy boat” “What about submarines she said” “A 12 inch sub is the only sub he has seen” I said. It didn’t look like bros wish was going to be granted here so its off to the taxidermist we go this afternoon……Bro keeps saying I promised id get him some Indian food while we was here…..I said we would take in some barges….Knob!!
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