For those of you that saw the last update bro had decided on either a burial at sea or to be stuffed by a taxidermist upon his demise. We looked at the burial at sea option last week but that proved a washout so this week I have been looking at the option of getting the fat fooker stuffed.
Bro told me that he had fancied the idea of getting stuffed upon his death after he had taken young William to the Build A Bear workshop at the Rock in Bury at Christmas for a surprise present.
Anyhow I have been looking this week at taxidermist but it is actually illegal to stuff a human, however not to be deterred I have scoured the web and have found a Dillon Jones in Merthyr Tidfil who has found a loophole in the law and is able to grant bros wishes. Me and Bro went to see him this morning to chat things through. When we got to this little village in the hills we could find Dillon’s shop but he wasn’t there so we went to the pub in the tiny village and asked the barman if he knew where we could find the taxidermist. “What’s a taxidermist” he asked. “Someone who stuffs animals” I replied. He hollows out “Does anyone here stuff animals”. 28 hands went up. “No mounts them” I said. “Does anyone here mount animals“. 28 hands went up. “IS ANY ONE HERE A TAXIDERMIST “ I shouted, and a little old man came and introduced himself as Dillon. He took us to his shop and showed us his accreditations and certificates to show he was a member of the Federal Academy Of Taxidermists and Bodily Reincarnation Organisation ( F.A.T.B.R.O.) That reassured us we were in good hands then Dillon went on to explain how he got round the legal aspect of stuffing people. He went on to tell us that he does not actually stuff people. He removes all the internal organs and suchlike, “Are you donating your organs when you die”? he asked bro, “ I haven’t any” said bro “but I am leaving my tambourine to our Sue and my set of maracas to our Babs“….thick fooker!! Anyhow after this Dillon explained instead of stuffing by the traditional methods with hay and paper mache , we fill the body with helium instead. This has many advantages. ..you don’t need to move it to sweep up because his head will be touching the ceiling….the anal passage will contain the air valve and with a dyson attached to his arse you can vacuum suck him to almost nothing , which means you can take him in your case on holiday, a quick inflate with your helium gas pack and you have a ready made lilo for the pool. If you want to take him on days out with the family you will have to master the art of balloon animals if you want to keep him inflated in the car, you will have to use similar techniques as those used when making a balloon poodle.
You can also have great fun with him when you have a party like on New Year Eve because you can let people suck his arse and they don’t half talk funny.
Obviously he will be in the family for future generations so there are certain features like his penis we will have to remove so as not to cause embarrassment to future generations of fat fookers. This removal would be carried by my lovely assistant. He then introduced us to his assistant a young lady named Isabell Endslicer, she went on to say that she would use the skin and make me a nice wallet out of it, going on to add, that if I gave it a few rubs it would change into a briefcase, I declined the offer.
Is there any particular pose that you would like your bro to be in he asked. I went on to explain that he would like his two arms raised in the air and a replica Waterloo bowls trophy at his feet. “No problem” said Dillon. He went on to add that the price included two further sets of clothes and he said that because of his raised two arms his suggestion would be a pair of trunks so he could replicate a fat Tom Daley, which could be fun on BBQ days when you had the pool out, and perhaps a superman outfit which would fly round the room if you opened the arse valve, that would be fun for the kids. The price also include the fitting of a voice recorder which would say certain phrases when you pressed the button on his navel. He asked me what phrases I would like…“Large Big Mac and Fries, Onion Rings, Munchy Mc Flurry and a diet coke” I said…..and “ did I tell you I won the Waterloo” They are the two he phrases he says most I said…. Price £3500 + fat…..Bargain……and the fat fooker can come to the funeral wake and he wont eat all the buffet for once!!!
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